


A Dip in Hell

by JoyHeart



Category: South Park
Genre: Comedy, Hell, Horror, Irony, Love, M/M, Psychological Torture, Romance, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-06
Updated: 2012-11-05
Packaged: 2017-11-18 02:12:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/555741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyHeart/pseuds/JoyHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a semi-sequel to CartmanXKyle and dovetails a bit with Butters' Gothly Love Affair. I was originally intending to make a series of multi-chapter fics in this same universe, but these were the only three of the series I ever completed. This fic can be read as its own story though, so don't worry about needing to read two other stories.</p><p> </p><p>In this tale, Pip has been set on fire when Cartman was shooting up and burning down the school to make Kyle fall in love with him. So he therefore ends up in hell, along with Cartman and Kyle who also ended up dead in the attack (events detailed in CartmanXKyle). In Hell, Pip reunites with his old schoolyard chum Damien who believe he is a french maid. Things do not really improve for Pip after this as he discovers what daily life in Hell is like and learns to live with the son of Satan. Over time it might just be that Damien likes Pip more than he seems to... but honestly, with Damien's personality Pip would likely be better off if he hated him. Oh well, keep a stiff upper lip, Pip!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Bad Day for Pip

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally on fanfiction.net and still is there... but I'm putting it here too. Because of reasons. Don't judge me man.

 

 

**A Dip In Hell I**

_((Cover Image is a Fanart done by CheshireCatxAlice of Deviantart, dip1080 of this site. It was presented to me on June 5th, 2012))_

((Joyful Note: Yes! I have begun the 3rd story in my South Park Ultimate Gayness Saga! This one is going to follow Pip mostly, and features mostly him and Damien. But there's also Kyle and Cartman in Hell, with Kenny showing up frequently of course. So that's exciting. I've already figured out the titles for the rest of the stories of the saga, so expect plenty to come! I think I might have… um… 11 fanfic stories total. I've done 2, this is the 3rd. I expect this one to actually be fairly long, at least 20 chapters. I hope at least. So anyway, I guess I'll get started!

Oh, and for those of you joining me now at this point in the Gayness Saga, I will have to explain myself. All my fanfictions that are multi-part so far belong to the same, long storyline, basically from different points of view. But each may be read as an individual story as well. I would prefer you read them all but… ah well. I hope you enjoy!))

Pip hadn't been expecting to die that day in the cafeteria. But when Cartman decided to torch the school in a jealous rage, Pip was bound to get in the way of his fire. He just wasn't very lucky when Cartman was shooting fire, be it from a flamethrower or from his ass. In this case it was a flame thrower, and also in this case, it proved fatal. Bad luck all around for young Pip.

And of course Pip, not being a Mormon, discovered himself amongst the crowd of new arrivals in… hell.

"Oh dear" Pip said with a small frown as the crowd began to disperse and he was jostled around until he ended up face planting on some pumice "OW!"

"…do I know you?" a high squeaky voice rang out and Pip recognized it instantly.

"Oh! Damian! Yes, it's me Pip!" Pip grinned, struggling to his feet to see Damian talking to Kyle who seemed rather bewildered and freaked out.

"Uh yeah, you're that Damian kid right? You turned Pip into a firework for Cartman's birthday!" Kyle said with a small smile.

"Yeah… hey, isn't that you?" Damian asked, turning towards Pip now. Pip blinked, looking a little sheepish.

"Oh, uh, yes" Pip nodded.

"No, Cartman was the fat one" Kyle explained.

"Oh, right" Damian nodded "Then who're you?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm Pip, the one you made into a firework?"

"I'm Kyle, Kyle Broflovski?"

"Oh, right, the Jewish kid" Damian nodded "So why're you dead?"

"It's a long story" Kyle sighed.

"Well my Dad's making cookies, if you want to come over." Damian suggested and of course Kyle agreed. Pip blinked and frowned.

"Erm… righto… then…" he bit his lips and looked around at the fire and brimstone. That didn't look too cheerful. He wondered if he should follow his two former classmates. They hadn't really acknowledged him…so they hadn't said he _couldn't_ follow them. Pip decided to give following a try.

However, when they reached Damian's front door it was closed in his face.

"Oh dear" the British boy bit his lip and rang the doorbell. He heard some shuffling and the door opened. Damian glared at him.

"What do you want?" he asked rather rudely.

Pip frowned "Oh, uh, well… y-you do remember me Damian… don't you?" Pip asked hesitantly.

Damian raised an eyebrow "No. I think I would remember a gay French drag queen"

Pip stared aghast "I-I'm not French! Or a drag queen! I'm just British!"

"Oh… oh wait" Damian squinted at Pip "Yeah... I remember you!" he smiled.

"R-really? Oh jolly good!" Pip grinned.

"That's right, I hired French maid! I didn't think you were a guy at the time though…" Damian shrugged "Whatever. You can still wear the uniform, you're fem enough" he grabbed Pip's arm and dragged him inside.

"AH! Uh, I'm not French!" Pip insisted as Damian dragged Pip up the stairs to his bedroom where Kyle was already waiting with cookies. He wasn't looking at Pip though as Damian brought him the bathroom and shoved a maid's outfit into his arms.

"Here, put that on" Damian ordered and slammed the bathroom door. Through the door Pip could hear Kyle beginning to regale his tale of how he ended up in hell to Damian son of Satan. Pip turned his attention to the maid uniform in his hands.

"Oh dear… how humiliating" Pip muttered to himself and glanced at the closed bathroom door. Damian might not remember him as more then 'that one kid I turned into a firework' and even then did not seem to remember his physical appearance, but Pip himself remembered quite vividly how violent Damian could be when angered. Pip, being a pacifist, preferred to avoid conflict when possible. Damian had a fair possibility of getting angry about Pip not changing into the French maid outfit, and turning him into a beast of burden or something of the like. Therefore, Pip began to strip.

Taking off his clothes was no trouble, he did that every day and it took him half a minute. However, upon looking at the French maid outfit he realized that donning it could be… difficult.

"Oh, I see Damian even bought the ladies' undergarments… charming" Pip said with distaste as he noted their lacy quality. This was not a good day for Pip at all. First he burns to death, and now he has to put on lacey woman's underwear. Poor, poor Pip.

The panties weren't so hand to put on, even if they were a bit restricting. The bra was tad more difficult. He noticed it sort of drooped in the front where the breasts would normally be on a girl, so he decided, for visual appeal, to stuff the bra with toilet paper. Perhaps he used a little more then was absolutely necessary, but none the less the British boy improved his fem look to a point where he might pass for a girl on a regular basis. Not that he'd want to.

Then… the fishnet stockings.

"URG!" came the cry of frustration after 10 minutes trying to get those on without ripping them. By the time he managed, he did in fact have 3 runs already and he felt more restricted then before. Tragic day for Pip, really. After the stockings though, the dress was easy enough, even if it was cut kind of low. His toilet paper boobs were showing. He tried to tuck it away and pull up the dress, but it didn't work out so well. Pip sighed and decided to leave it alone for the moment and put on the apron and head… frilly… thing. Grabbing the duster he checked his reflection in the mirror.

"Well… erm… at least I look pretty" Pip muttered, blushing furiously and tucked away toilet paper self-consciously. With a final nod he opened the bathroom door "Alright Damian I put on the- oh bugger, where did everybody go?"

Indeed, the room was sadly empty. It seemed that the Jewish boy and Satan spawn had grown bored of the surroundings or something. Pip wondered what to do now. It was certainly a pickle. He left the bathroom and made his way carefully into the hallway and down the stairs. Then he ran into Satan.

"Oh, uh, hi! Are you the new maid that Damian hired then?" the giant red devil smiled. Pip frowned up at him.

"Well, erm, not exactl-"

"I hope so, because if you weren't, I'd have to send you out for torturing in the lake of fire!" Satan said, still smiling.

"Uuuuummm…. Yes. Yes I'm definitely a maid. Yes" Pip nodded.

Satan looked a little surprised and frowned "Oh, oh I guess the agency made a mistake and got a British maid. Oh well, it's not like Damian wants to use you for sexual purposes, I told him British maids were better at cleaning anyway. And they're magical!"

Pip blinked "Um… I think you're thinking of British nannies. Like Mary Poppins, Nanny McPhee" he paused and muttered "In my case Mrs. Doubtfire might be more appropriate"

"Well whatever" Satan shrugged "You can start by dusting the knickknacks in the living room, just don't break anything. But when Damian gets back, if he asks you to do something, you have to listen to him. Oh by the way, what's your name little girl?"

Pip stared at Satan "I'm not a little girl"

Satan chuckled "I'm sorry, young lady" he winked "What's your name?"

"Uh, it's Pip"

"Well Miss Pip, I'm sure you'll love working here, it definitely beats the eternal torture that faces any and all who don't fall under the favor of me and mine!" Satan laughed.

"Uh, Pip's my first name, not my surname. My surname is Pirrup" Pip said hesitantly.

"Well from now on you'll be called Pip and nothing else. So says me, Lord of Hell. Because I can do that. Don't make me do it again" Satan growled and then pranced off to the kitchen, humming a tune.

"Well. He was quite the odd fellow" Pip said blinking and, without anything better to do, headed for the living room, duster in hand.

Roughly an hour later (the living room was very large, clearly used for dinner parties or something like that) Pip sighed and looked about the space approvingly. He actually felt pretty good about his work. He really didn't expect it to be noticed but… it did look rather nice in there now. With a smile and nod he headed into the hallway to find the kitchen and perchance find a drink of water when a crash was heard from the room he'd just left.

"OH MY GOODNESS!" Pip gasped and rushed back into the living room to find the place trashed and Damian walking through it with a smirk on his face, followed by Cartman and Kyle (who were holding hands). Cartman snorted with laughter.

"Dude, that was awesome!" the evil fat boy chortled.

"Erm, yes, rather" Pip murmured, looking around the room dismayed. The couch was ripped open and spewing stuffing like a monster, there was dirt everywhere, but the ornaments in the display case were intact. Apparently even Damian knew his dad would be very unhappy to find them destroyed. But Pip wasn't very excited about the mess anyway "Erm, Mr. Damian, ah, sir? May I ask why you felt the need to destroy the living room? I ask only because your father told me to dust it and I'd only just finished…"

Damian looked at Pip vaguely for a moment "Oh, well, I thought it would be cool" he shrugged "You can clean it again. Then you can clean my room, but stay the fuck out of my closet and don't forget to change the sheets" he motioned to Kyle and Cartman to follow him.

As they passed, Pip heard Cartman whisper to Kyle:

"Hey, isn't that the French bitch from our class?"

"Yeah that's Pip, didn't you kill him today?"

"Uh, I don't know. I killed a few people today, you can't expect me to keep track"

"… sure" Kyle shook his head as they left the room and Pip looked at the living room and the couch monster still spewing stuffing everywhere and growling.

Pip also noticed the couch seemed to have grabbed his duster and was chewing on it "Oh dear" he sighed and shuffled over to the couch monster to try to pull his duster free.

2 hours later, Pip had made the room presentable… except for the couch. What had happened there was Pip ran around picking up stuffing until the couch ran out and started flinging springs. Pip had to dodge those and grab them until the couch was completely empty and seemed to breathe a last wheeze and died on the ground. Pip wasn't exactly sure how to go about cleaning that up, or putting a new couch in… so he decided to leave it for the moment and go clean Damian's room.

When he knocked on the door a grunt greeted him and he carefully tip toed inside. Damian seemed to be reading a nudie-mag. Pip couldn't see the cover, but he could see flesh and Damian, being face up on his bed, appeared to have a hard on. Lovely.

"Erm, so, I'll just start dusting then shall I?" Pip said with some brightness and started for the dresser.

"Huh? Oh, yeah sure" Damian said waving a hand dismissively "And the wood polish is in the bathroom"

"Righto!" Pip smiled and opened the bathroom door. Kyle was kneeling in front of Cartman and… "AAAH!" Pip screamed.

"Ooh, I forgot about them" Damian said, coming up beside Pip and looking at Cartman and Kyle with a smirk, his nudie-mag dangling from his hand. THE BEST OF YAOI PORN was on the cover. Interesting. Pip wondered what the word 'yaoi' meant.

"AH!" Kyle garbled and spat out Cartman's balls and looked up red in the face and covering himself "A LITTLE PRIVACY PLEASE?"

"Dude, lighten up and get back down Jew" Cartman snorted and pushed as Kyle's shoulders.

"QUIT IT FAT ASS!" Kyle raged as Satan entered the scene.

"Hey kids! I brought some browni- oh" Satan might've blushed if he wasn't already red "I see, so you're a little busy I take it?"

"NO! I mean, well, we were but, urg…" Kyle rubbed his forehead vigorously in irritation.

"Hey Satan, it's Jerry, I'm here to interview you for Hell's Celebs!" a voice from the door came out and a man in a hot pink shirt came in with a camera crew "Ooh, so the great master of hell keeps young naked boys in his bathroom?"

"OH NO PAPARAZII!" Satan yelled and tried to push the tide of newsies out.

"Yes, me and the Jew are together, you can order 'I Love CartmanXKyle t-shirts at 1-800…"

"CARTMAN!"

Pip was of course jostled out of the bathroom and into Damian's room. Damian seemed to have been shuffled out as well.

"Fucking paparazzi. I hate those guys." Damian growled.

"Well, erm, can't you just make their heads explode or something?" Pip asked hesitantly.

"There's too many. I'd like too but…" Damian sighed and flopped back on his mattress and opened his yaoi porn magazine again. Pip then noticed the two on the cover were clearly animated males having it on. Oh. So that's what yaoi meant.

"So, um, you're gay then?" Pip asked.

"I don't know. These are just the only naked pictures my dad has in the house." Damian shrugged.

"I see." Pip noticed the mess the camera crews were making "Erm, when they leave, I'll have to clean all this up won't I?"

"Of course, who else is going to do it?" Damian asked in his high pitched voice. Pip sighed.

"Well I expected as much" he muttered.

Damian looked up from the magazine "You know you're actually pretty cute for a guy in drag"

"W-what?" Pip yelped in alarm.

"Um… maybe it's just the light" Damian turned back to his magazine and Pip stared at the evil boy in surprise and complete confusion. This was definitely an odd day. And when the paparazzi cleared out and left a complete mess everywhere, he knew it was a very bad day as well.

 


	2. Don't You Love Invisible Animals?

**A Dip In Hell II**

Once the paparazzi had been cleared out, Pip set to work tidying Damien's room. It wasn't the easiest thing he'd ever had to do, but it was a lot better then battling a couch monster, so he figured he could handle it. He figured. Then he went to change the sheets and discovered the 'magic fingers' in Damien's mattress were thousands of cockroaches. Under the sheets.

"AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Pip screamed as they jumped on him and started crawling all over the British boy. Nightmarish really.

"The hell are you screaming about?" Damien snorted from the chair where he was now reading his Best of Yaoi Porn book.

"C-cock- cock…."

"Don't be a prude bitch, change the sheets" Damien chuckled and turned the page.

"COCKROACHES!" Pip screamed and started dancing around the room in a mad attempt to get them off. Damien laughed for a good minute but then noticing Pip wasn't coming to his senses anytime soon he sighed.

"Fucking fem…" Damien rolled his eyes and made a strange series of clicking and hissing noises that caused the bugs to disperse.

"Th-thank you Damien…" Pip murmured and went about putting the clean sheets on the bed, trying not to touch the cockroaches still on there. Of course this proved difficult, maneuvering in women's garments being difficult at the best of times, but he somehow managed it. He gave a sigh and turned to the Satanic boy "So, err, was there anything else you wanted from me right now Damien? Ah, Sir?"

Damien seemed to think about it "No. You can go down the hall and find out if Kyle and the fat boy need anything"

It seemed Cartman and Kyle would be taking up a room in Satan's house for the time being. They might even stay until they get life extensions. Pip heard them talking about life extensions when he was cleaning Damien's room and wondered if he might also get one of those. He'd ask… but he was a bit too terrified to do so. Beast of burden sounded like a worse look on him then maid really…

Pip knocked a little hesitantly at the door.

"WE'RE DECENT!" Cartman called through sniggers.

"NO WE'RE NOT!" Kyle yelled "STAY OUT!"

"Oh, erm, s-sorry. It's, uh, the maid" Pip muttered "Damien sent me to ask if you needed anything.

"What, Pip?" Cartman called "Get your scrawny ass in here, I'm ordering food and I don't need your stupid Frenchie ears to hear me wrong and feed me snails or some shit"

"Well wait a second first! Cartman, give me my pants!" Kyle growled.

"It's not like Pip hasn't seen it before"

"Shut up and hand them over!"

"Maybe if I get a kiss-"

"GIVE ME MY GODDAMN PANTS CARTMAN!" sounds of tackling and a struggle ensued.

"OW! OW KAHL CUT IT OOOOOUT!!!!!" Cartman wailed and there was more scruffling before the door opened to reveal Kyle, clothed, dirty and breathing hard with Cartman behind him, tastefully tied up in knotted sheets which covered his private parts.

"Goddamn it Kyle I'm going to get these things undone…" Cartman muttered, tugging at the knots.

"Erm, so, you wanted food then?" Pip asked awkwardly.

"Yes but you have to give me a second because it's a bit hard to think of food when your weiner's wrapped up like a fucking mummy!" Cartman snapped, struggling. Kyle sighed.

"S-so Kyle, erm, how is it that you're in hell with Cartman? And, erm, naked in the same room?" Pip asked, rather curious for Kyle to explain he events from the previous story for him.

"Well… you remember Cartman X Kyle right? Wendy's fucked up podcast with me and Cartman together that I was blackmailed into?" Kyle asked.

"Oh, oh yes I remember! I rather liked the musical score for it" Pip said cheerily, but wiped the smile from his face when met with Kyle's distasteful look.

"Well anyway…" Kyle pressed on, sounding irritated "I got out of it, and Cartman freaked out and started trying to torch the school, and I got shot by Kenny accidently. I think you got killed by that point… well anyway. I end up in hell and from what I understand Cartman killed Kenny and himself to come save me. Meanwhile down here I guess I realized I liked Cartman back and then he shows up. Then we find out only one person gets saved from hell a day and it has to be a new arrival so Kenny got out and we're stuck here until Damien and Satan file for a life extension"

"Erm, can't Satan just give you a life extension? Or is that God's will only?" Pip asked curiously.

"How should he fucking know Frenchie?" Cartman growled as he worked on detangling himself more. Finally he let out a frustrated roar, screamed some profanities and started searching drawers for a knife to cut himself out.

"I'm not French!" Pip insisted.

"Then why are you dressed like a girl fag?!" Cartman demanded.

"Well first of all, cross dressing isn't really a stereotype of French people, and secondly Damien told me to wear this! I didn't exactly want to refuse a request from the son of Satan…"

"Phht, whatever homo" Cartman flipped Pip off and found a knife. He quickly slashed through the sheets, leaving himself fully exposed. Or, you know, he would've been except for his fat roll but whatever.

"Goddamn it Cartman…" Kyle muttered.

"Anyway, go get me some Cheesy Poofs queer-mo!" Cartman snapped at Pip who started and nodded.

"Err, yes, right away!" Pip hurried out of the room, actually pretty glad to get out of there. He quickly headed down the hall and downstairs to the kitchen he'd seen Satan disappear into earlier. Hell's kitchen was pretty big, but despite that Pip had a great deal of trouble finding food in it. In fact, the refrigerator and cupboards seemed to be completely empty. That was going to make acquiring Cheesy Poofs a bit of a problem…

The second he thought of Cheesy Poofs they appeared in the open cupboard. Huh. Problem solved apparently. Pip took the bag from the cupboard and hurried back upstairs to Cartman and Kyle's room.

"About time ho!" Cartman growled, still naked, grabbing the Cheesy Poofs "Get over here Kyle!"

"… Why…?" Kyle asked hesitantly. Cartman smiled pervertedly. Kyle frowned "Pip you should probably leave now"

"Erm… righto…" Pip said nervously and shut the door. He heard a shriek and then a moan… he didn't stick around to hear more. Instead he hastened back to Damian's room and knocked. He heard a grunt and Pip opened the door. Damien was back on his bed and glanced up as Pip came in.

"So were they having sex?" he asked bluntly in his high pitched voice.

"Oh! Uh, Cartman and Kyle? I- erm, well they were naked together…" Pip said hesitantly.

"So they were at least probably sucking each other off again. I wonder if they get erections yet…" Damien said thoughtfully. Then he raised an eyebrow at Pip "You know you really, REALLY look like a girl in that outfit."

"Well I assumed that was the point" Pip said deadpan.

"I guess" Damien shrugged "Anyway. I'm bored. Go stand against the wall." He said pointing at the wall opposite his bed.

Pip bit his lip a little "Erm… why?"

"Because I'm going to throw fireballs at you"

"Oh" Pip didn't like the sound of that. But ultimately, he was already dead. No matter how painful Damien's fireballs would be it couldn't kill him again… right?

… so 2 hours later Pip was standing with the new arrivals again, this time in the maid uniform. As it turns out, you can die in hell, you just keep coming back again. Super. When he got back to Satan's house he wasn't in the best of spirits. Dying wasn't very much fun.

"Oh, you're back" Damien acknowledged as Pip entered the room.

"I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do that again!" Pip snapped.

2 hours later Pip came back to Damien's room but more subdued then last time. Damien smirked as he entered.

"Learned your lesson?"

"That wasn't very nice" Pip muttered, brushing soot off his skirt.

"Duh, I'm the son of the devil, what do you expect?"

"I don't know…" Pip sighed. Damien yawned.

"Well whatever. I'm beat, its gotta be midnight. Go ask Dad where you can sleep" Damien waved Pip away and the British boy left. He wondered where Satan's room was. If it was really midnight, he should be there right?

Pip opened a set of double doors and quickly shut them. Satan appeared very… busy. Yes. Busy. Pip had a lot to try to erase from his mind now. With a small sigh he started opening doors in hopes of finding a room to curl up in for a few hours. As he passed Cartman and Kyle's room he heard loud arguing. He paused, then knocked.

"Erm… is everything okay in there gentlemen?"

"PIP! GET IN HERE!" Kyle demanded. Pip jumped.

"I say!" he blinked but quickly opened the door. Cartman and Kyle were glaring each other down and seething… with a Battleship game on the floor.

"I sunk your battleship Jew!"

"No you DIDN'T, Tidal waves are NOT mandated gameplay!"

"Sure they are! Right Frenchie?!" Cartman rounded on Pip who frowned.

"Okay, first of all I'M NOT FRENCH! And second, I have no idea the rules of Battleship because no one ever asked me to play that game with them!"

Kyle rolled his eyes "There's no way-"

"Look. Kenny saved sidewalk change for a year to go to Battleship camp right? So he knows the rules better then anyone! And he said tidal waves are okay!" Cartman defended.

Kyle made an exasperated sound "That's because you HAPPENED to be winning and were stupid enough to believe him! About that AND Battleship camp because there IS no Battleship camp!"

"But… but… but…" Cartman twitched angrily "Well FINE! We'll just ask Kenny when he gets down here next!"

"Fine! We WILL!" Kyle snapped.

"Fine!" Cartman growled.

"Erm… so I'll be going now then shall I?" Pip said carefully edging backward. He hit someone behind him and leaped a good foot in the air "AH!" he turned "D-Damien?"

"What the fuck is all the shouting about?! I'm trying to sleep!" Damien growled, eyes blazing red.

"Erm… we were just…" Kyle looked at Damien warily "S-sorry?"

"The Jew doesn't know how to play Battleship is all" Cartman grunted, folding his arms.

"Uh… where'd you get that Battleship game?" Damien asked.

"Uh, it was in your basement. Why?" Kyle asked.

"Oh, it's just every time you sink a Battleship in that game a real ship capsizes" Damien shrugged.

"WHAT?!" Kyle gasped. Just then at the bedroom door a group of men in sailors uniforms and dripping wet appeared and glared at them. One was ringing out his hat.

"Yeah, thanks kid" he growled and the crew stomped away.

"Erm…" Kyle shifted uneasily. Cartman just laughed.

"What, really?! That's awesome!"

"Yeah" Damien smirked "Much more interesting"

"Oh dear" Pip frowned.

"Oh, where did my Dad say you were sleeping?" Damien seemed to finally take notice of Pip.

"W-well, I was going to ask him… but he was… erm…"

"Getting butt-jabbed? Typical" Damien rolled his eyes "Okay fine you can sleep in my room for tonight. Just don't touch me"

Pip vividly recalled the cockroach mattress "Th-that's okay. I'll be quite comfortable sleeping on the floor!"

Damien shrugged "Okay, but that's where the cobras go when I'm sleeping."

"C-cobras?!" Pip said alarmed.

"Yeah, my Dad's idea." Damien rolled his eyes as he moved into the hallway shutting the door behind him. Pip had quickly followed him out "He seems to think I'd feel safer surrounded by a bunch of poisonous snakes on the floor. Personally I think anyone stupid enough to try attacking the son of Satan would end up in heaven so I'd be fine anyway but whatever"

"Erm… what if I slept in your chair?"

"That's where the tiger sleeps"

"TIGER?!"

Damien nodded "Yeah, in case the snakes try to attack me. He's trained to go after them"

"… the bed it is then"

"Suit yourself" Damien shrugged as they entered his bedroom. Pip looked around.

"Erm, I don't see any snakes… or tigers for that matter"

"That's cause they're invisible. Plus they don't come out until the light goes off" Damien growled and dragged Pip over to the bed, having him sleep on the right side as Damien climbed onto the left.

"Um, do I have to keep wearing the maid uniform to bed or-"

"Yes" Damien said bluntly.

"Righto then" Pip sighed and got under the covers, shuddering as the cockroaches under the sheets began to crawl. When Damien turned off the light a soft hissing and growling entered the bedroom. Pip shook and hid his head under the covers, trying to ignore Damien's soft laugh from the other side of the bed.

"Pussy" the evil boy giggled and turned over. Pip groaned slightly and turned the opposite direction, still firmly beneath the covers. If he ignored the fact they were cockroaches, the 'magic fingers' really were kind of relaxing…

So to that strange chorus of sounds Pip fell into a deep sleep.


	3. Beaten With Breadsticks

**A Dip In Hell III**

_(Joyful Note: I've been thinking… it's possible that I might actually dovetail this story with another at some point and do Kyle and Cartman's POV during all this. But in the event of that I will be done the rest of the stories in the saga first. Even then it might not be necessary depending on how much I decide to add in. Anyway, this is a Pip story! Enjoy the Pip side of things! That SHOULD be why you clicked this story after all!)_

Pip opened his eyes to find a scorpion being dangled a half inch from his nose.

"AH!" the British boy yelped to Damien's ecstatic laughter. The scorpion was dropped unceremoniously to the floor.

"The tiger threw up in the night, you have to clean it up" Damien pointed to the chair. Pip glanced over, rubbing his eyes blearily.

"Urg… I don't see anything…"

"Duh, invisible tiger, invisible vomit" Damien rolled his eyes.

"Was the food he ate invisible?" Pip asked.

"No, why?"

"Then how does the food coming back out become invisible?"

"Do I look like an invisible zoologist to you?" Damien asked annoyed.

"No…" Pip groaned and carefully avoided the scorpion as he got out of the bed. He'd slept like a log and felt really stiff. Plus his stockings had 2 brand new runs for some reason. When he walked over to the chair he smelt something foul. Apparently there was indeed vomit around there somewhere. The question was… where?

Looks like he'd sadly have to follow his nose. Great. He lowered his face to the chair. He sniffed around a bit and decided it was probably not on the chair. He took a step.

Apparently, it was under his foot.

"Urg…" Pip took note of where his foot squished and, not wanting to spread the stuff to the bathroom, hopped on one foot towards it. But he had forgotten the scorpion.

"OH NO!" Pip screamed as he side-hopped to avoid the stinger and slipped on the hardwood, smacking into the bedpost and fell to the floor. Damien roared with laughter. Well if he was lucky, maybe Damien would be entertained enough not to bother killing Pip out of boredom.

"That was hil-fucking-arious." Damien sniggered and calmed himself. "Now go clean your foot off and wash the floor. I'm getting breakfast" Damian jumped off the bed and walked out the door. Pip sighed, got up, and hoped there was a mop so he didn't have to get on his knees beside the still-present scorpion.

*****

When Pip at last finished making the floor sparkling clean he carefully headed into the hallway to tell Damien he was done. But as he entered the hallway he saw Cartman run past, laughing his head off and Kyle smacked into Pip.

"Ouch!" the British boy in the dress groaned as he fell on his butt.

"Goddamn it!" Kyle yelled "GIVE ME BACK MY HAT!" Kyle shouted after the fat boy and Pip registered the puffy red Jew fro springing up from Kyle's skull. Turning toward Cartman Pip noticed the green ushanka dangling from his outstretched hand.

"BUT YOU LOOK SO CUTE WITHOUT IT!" Cartman shouted through his snorting laughter. Then Damien walked past with more cookies and saw Kyle. He started laughing. Then Satan walked through with Michael Jackson on his arm. Satan started laughing.

"No Satan! Don't be ignorant! Little boys are beautiful things!" Michael scolded.

Damien snorted "You would know" he shrugged "Anyway, that hair is fucking hilarious."

"I know, isn't it awesome?" Cartman grinned, returning to the growing group of random Hellians coming over to gawk and laugh. Kyle's face was steadily getting redder.

"GODDAMN IT CARTMAN!" he yelled before leaping at the fat boy and that turned into a little wrestling match on the ground that people were cheering for. Damien didn't seem to interested though and instead went over to Pip.

"So does that turn you on?" Damien asked.

"W-what?!" Pip asked in alarm.

"Is my floor clean yet?"

"Oh… erm… yes…" Pip said slowly, eyebrow raised questioningly.

"Okay, let's go" he grabbed Pip's wrist and dragged him down the hall. Pip was rather surprised by this, but supposed Damien had something new for him to clean… or had devised a new way to kill him. Either one was likely, to the sad admission of the poor little cross dressed Brit.

They didn't stop downstairs though. Instead they left the house entirely.

"Um, where are we going Damien?" Pip finally asked after about 5 minutes outside.

"To McDonalds, where else?" Damien said rolling his eyes "I'm not allowed to go by myself. Dad already said I could go if I took someone with me. Kyle and Cartman said they weren't hungry. I was going to just have some chocolate chip cookies and then I remembered you were there."

"Oh, I see!" Pip grinned "I've never been to McDonalds before!"

Damien glared "Well don't act live a fucking n00B about it. Just let me order, and just say you'll get the same thing"

"Oh, but, Damien" Pip said uncomfortably "I don't have any money…"

Damien rolled his eyes "You don't have to pay for things in hell dumbass. That place is torture for people who are rude or unreasonable to fast food employees. They have to take their place- by the way, it's customary to yell at the servers and throw the order back at their heads a few times saying they got things wrong, even if they got what you ordered. And it's nice to yell for their manager every now and then, he uses a flame thrower on them" Damien's eyes glinted like a true pyro.

"Oh. I see. That's an awful lot to remember" Pip frowned.

"You'll get the idea" Damien assured Pip as he opened the door and pulled the British boy inside. He was hit by a stinking smell, florescent lights that beat down on his dark uniform and made him sweat and screams… mostly from customers at the employees. Pip was shocked to see that he was much better off clothes-wise, the heavy layers in the McDonalds uniforms would be enough to give anyone a heat stroke without the lights… with them it was a wonder no one was passed out. Then he saw one teeter, and it seemed an electric shock ran through him.

"Th-this is horrible" Pip whispered as one lady in a fur coat threw her milkshake into the face of a pimply faced man who already had sweat coursing down his forehead.

"Of course it is, this is hell torture, what do you expect? Serves them right for being mean to immigrant workers too. They're all given speech impediments." Damien said as he approached the counter "HEY! IT'S THE PRINCE OF FUCKING HELL OVER HERE, LET'S GET SOME SERVICE!!!" he shrieked. Pip jumped back a little from the outburst.

"Yesh shir" one rather large woman said, huffing as she reached the counter "Watch wot you av dooday?"

"SPEAK ENGLISH BITCH!"

"I AM!" she started crying and fell over the counter in sobs. Then there was a zapping sound and she struggled upwards "W-wot… wood joo like today?"

"Whatever, just get me friesacokeandabigmac"

Her eyes widened "I-I dint catch…"

"Stupid foreign bitch" Damien muttered loudly "I SAID: FRIES! COKE! BIG MAC!"

"Y-yesh shir…" she moaned and started typing in the order "Thish come do-"

"HEY!" Damien yelled "You get me the food and THEN I pay you! That's how it works!"

"… but… but…" her eyes watered, but she went to work around the pop machine. Through a window Pip could see what looked like grotesque monsters cooking the food. Whenever an employee had to ask for a redo order they would get angry and claw them. This really was hell's kitchen.

"See, easy" Damien smirked at Pip as the employee busied herself.

"So… does everyone in hell go through that sort of thing?" Pip whispered. Damien shrugged.

"Well, not really. Usually its just rude people who like making others feel inferior. And they can work it off after a while. And there are days off sometimes. But this is hell, so of course there's going to be torture" Damien shrugged.

"Well… yes I can tell." Pip sighed "I wonder why my torture is to cross dress to clean your house…"

Damien laughed "Because it's fun for me to watch you suffer like that, duh. Anyway, you're getting off really easy"

"I can see that" Pip muttered as the lady returned holding a paper bag in her shaking hands.

"Took you long enough!" he checked the bag "HEY! I ORDERED A McCHICKEN!"

"N-no shir, I'ma sure you order-"

"GET ME McCHICKEN BITCH! I'LL CALL YOUR MANAGER IF YOU DON'T-"

"OKAY OKAY!" she ran back off.

"So, you only torture bad customers like this?" Pip asked.

"Well here we do" Damien explained "And we have lots of former fast food employees eat here. But we have places where food spitting employees have to eat spit-soaked food for hours, and then places for mean managers, Hell loves ironic punishment"

"Right" Pip sighed as the woman returned.

"H-here…" she shuddered and handed over the bag. Damien took it and without a thank you or payment he stepped back and looked at Pip. The Brit gulped and took Damien's place.

"Erm… I'll have what Damien had…" Pip said softly.

"Ah- ah, I did not catch- I- NO! DON'T CALL THE MANAGER!!!!" she cried and then ran to the back room and plunged into a vat of hot fat.

"Idiot, she'll just be back tomorrow" Damien rolled his eyes "HEY! GET SOMEONE ELSE OVER HERE!"

"YEAH SIR!" came an old man with an angry expression "WHA YOU WAN?!"

"Erm, I just… I-I guess McChicken and a coke and fries…" Pip whispered.

"I CAN NO HEAR!" he shouted trying to strain with wide eyes "NO CALL MANAGER! JUST SAY ONE MORE TIME I SWAR!"

"J-just a McChicken an-"

"AH! I CAN NO HEAR!" he screamed and followed the lady into the fat. Hmm.

"Oh dear" Pip frowned.

"Wow, you must have a suicidal voice or something" Damien blinked "Whatever, I'll do it"

More yelling from Damien later, Pip and Damien were sitting at a table outside the McDonalds in front of a lake of fire.

"Um, aren't you afraid I'll be mistaken for a girl in these clothes?" Pip asked as he played with a French fry, not really that hungry.

"Why would I be afraid of that?" Damien frowned, already halfway through his burger.

"Well… this might look like a date…" Pip said slowly.

Damien gave him a completely floored look. His eyes were wide and twitching, his mouth was open and he had mayonnaise dribbling down his chin. This last about five seconds and was very awkward. Then he seemed to snap out of it and returned to normal, chewing his food.

"Damien? What-"

"Shut up Frenchie" Damien muttered darkly. Pip sent a glare that caused a raised eyebrow from Damien.

"Damn it Damien I AM NOT FRENCH! I HATE FRENCH PEOPLE!"

"WHAT WAS ZAT?!" came a shout from a guy in a striped shirt with a mustache and beret.

"Jean Claude! He sayz 'ee hates zee French!"

"Meh oui Pierre! Let's go keeck 'is ass!"

"Oh dear!" Pip squeaked.

*****

One French beating with breadsticks later, Pip was lying under the table with croissants shoved in his mouth. Damien was sniggering.

"That was awesome" he finally said as Pip struggled to his feet, spitting out bread.

"Yes, me getting beaten to hell was just awesome! I know!" Pip said sarcastically, at this point not giving a damn if Damien killed him or not. At least if he died again he wouldn't be so bruised when he got back.

"No not that… well yeah that was awesome" Damien grinned "But that little glare and spaz before you got beaten was awesome, you probably could get seriously evil if you worked at it!"

"… okay…" Pip said cocking his head to one side. That grin looked really genuine.

"Seriously, I mean, it was such a turn on!" Damien said in excitement.

"WHAT?!" Pip jumped back and fell over on his butt again.

"Let's go back to the house, I have an idea" Damien said grabbing Pip's wrist and yanking him to his feet. Pip had to nearly jog to keep up. Well. This was different. Ish.


	4. Tattooing Adventures

**A Dip In Hell IV**

After making it back to Damien's room, Pip was made to sit on the bed while Damien went to get something. Pip felt the cockroaches scurry underneath the sheet and felt just a little sick to his stomach. None the less, he knew if he got up he might get into more trouble then he'd like… the employee's of hell's McDonalds were fresh in his mind.

"Okay I got it!" Damien sounded ecstatic when he burst back into the room, which was clearly a sign that things were not going to improve for Pip any time soon and were in fact most likely to get worse.

"Oh. Splendid" Pip said deadpan as Damien held out what appeared to be a black needle. That didn't seem good "Damien, what is that?" he asked equally deadpan.

"It's a self-inking tattoo needle. We're going to totally cover you in offensive tattoos and-"

"WHAT?! NO!" Pip said in great alarm "What the hell- I don't want to be a tattoo freak! Especially an offensive one!"

"Don't be a baby!"

"You're covering Pip with offensive tattoos? Can I watch?" Ooh. Cartman appeared in the doorway.

"That doesn't seem like a good idea" Kyle frowned from behind the fat boy.

"Hey, you should put 'KIKES SUCK' across his chest!"

"K-ki… CARTMAN!" Kyle screamed "DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS?!"

"Well Kyle, I thought offensive was the idea"

Kyle growled "I can't believe I sucked you off and all you can still fucking do is mock me and my religion!"

Cartman seemed rather flabbergasted "Well- well- what do you EXPECT me to do Kahl?"

Kyle stared at him "You are TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!"

"At least I'm not a Jew!"

"ARG!"

And a slap fight ensued. Pip and Damien watched as it made its way out the door and Damien closed it.

"You know, that gets old really fast" he sighed in his high pitched voice and went back to Pip "And don't worry, it's temporary tattoos"

"Since when do needles give temporary tattoos?!"

"Since we're in hell Frenchie" Damien glared.

Pip frowned and lowered his eyelids "Well forgive me Damien but it seems very likely that you're lying so I'll hold still for your needle and then you'll laugh when I freak out about them NOT being temporary"

Damien stared at him. He seemed to go through a short list of emotions here. He started surprised, headed into rage, then mildly impressed, then back to extreme rage at which time he picked up Pip and flung him across the room where he broke his neck and had to walk back to Damien's house 2 hours later due to having no where else to go, at which time Damien seemed to have gone back to his gay pornographic magazines.

When Pip re-entered the room, Damien seemed to have gone back to impressed.

"So, the Frenchie has gotten smarter" he smirked.

Pip groaned "I'm. Not. French. I'm BRITISH. BRITISH. As in the country on the island that once owned the fucking world! As in ENGLAND! As in France's enemy! As in home of Monty Python, Mary Poppins, and LittleKuriboh!"

Damien's eyes widened "L-LittleKuriboh? I love that guy! He's like, a Youtube idol!"

"I know! And he's BRITISH, just like I'm BRITISH!"

Damien stared for a long moment "So… you're gay, like Bakura! And a Limey!"

Pip's mouth dropped open "But- but- but- NO!"

"Well you _are_ dressed in drag you limey fruitcake"

"ARG! Don't call me limey! And YOU made me dress in this!" Pip raged, toilet paper breasts long since deflated, covered in sweat and scorch marks and basically shredded panty hose, he was seriously looking like an escapee from a slasher zombie film. With… cross dressing maids… yeah.

Damien seemed to notice this deterioration of costume at this point of rage. He seemed to be thinking, eyes roving the uniform. Pip let out his breath slowly, still annoyed, but gradually losing his intense rage. In fact, he was actually getting a little confused.

"Uh. Damien, what are you-"

"SSH!"

"Uh… righto…" more silence as Damien continued to think.

"Okay, you probably need to take off your clothes if I'm going to tattoo stuff on your chest."

"DAMIEN!" Pip screamed, rage returning "I AM NOT LETTING YOU TATTOO MY-" and so Pip found himself with the new arrivals. Okay. Well there had to be other places in hell right? There was no way he was going back to Damien after all this.

So Pip headed off in the opposite direction of Damien's house hoping to find his fortune. Or, well, you know, somewhere he wouldn't get killed every few hours. Huh. Maybe that was how Kenny feels…

"EH! EET IZ ZAT FRENCH 'ATER PIERRE!"

"MEH OUI JEAN CLAUDE!"

"… oh bugger" Pip slapped his forehead and then took off at a run from the two angry French men. Unfortunately he had rather short legs in comparison to his pursuers, but just as he was about to get seriously beat down with French bread for the second time that day, that chick from Charlie's Angels swooped in and beat their brains out. Huh. That went surprisingly well for young Pip. Sadly good luck does not last long for the British, and as he was crossing a stone bridge over a lake of lava, he was apprehended by a couple of demons.

"AAAAAAHHHH!!!" Pip screamed and the next thing he knew his limbs were being stretched painfully by chains and a crank worked by cackling demons. Just when he thought he was stretched to the limit…

They took out feathers.

"Oh no. Oh bloody hell NO HAHAHA NOOOOOO HAHA AAAAAAAH!!!" Pip screamed and laughed as he was viciously assaulted by feathery soft tickles over his skin.

*****

Kyle was not speaking to Eric, and the fat boy was getting increasingly annoyed with his silent roommate.

"Goddamn it Kyle, it's not that big a deal!" Cartman growled.

If Kyle had been speaking to Cartman, he would've said 'Yes. It. IS!!!' and proceed to scream. As it was, he was determined not to cave and instead just turned further away. Which riled up his supposed lover far more then yelling would've.

"You know Kyle, this is REALLY immature of you" silence "Hey Kyle, I bet I know how to make your fireman spray" silence "Hey Kyle, your mom's a bitch" silence "GODDAMN IT KYLE I'M TALKING TO YOU! ANSWER ME YOU DUMB JEW!!"

"Hey, have you guys since that British kid?" Damien asked, poking his head into the room.

"Pip? Uh, no. Not since you were going to tattoo him" Kyle replied to the spawn of Satan.

"Oh yeah! Did you do the kike thing?" Cartman asked gleefully. Kyle twitched mightily at that.

"No, I didn't actually get to that. He was being a pussy so I killed him. He's kind of late getting back though" Damien shrugged "I don't really care, but I was thinking of cool stuff to tattoo on him and it's starting to piss me off"

"Maybe he went somewhere else? I mean, if you keep killing him he's bound to get sick of it" Kyle pointed out.

"I guess" Damien frowned "So can I tattoo you guys?"

"What?! Hell no!" Cartman snapped.

"Yeah! I can't get a tattoo!" Kyle growled.

Damien's eyes flared "In that case you'd better help me find that British kid or I'm going to use you as a sketch pad got it?!"

"… uh…" Cartman and Kyle glanced at each other.

"Well, Hell's a big place… how're we going to search all of it?" Kyle frowned.

"I don't know, Kenny knows Hell pretty well though. He might be able to help" Damien said thoughtfully.

"So are we going to wait for Kenny to die then?" Cartman asked.

"No, we can speed it up" Damien snapped his fingers and the three boys were flying top speed across the world. Lots of dark rooms with candles flashed before their eyes "We can only get in here through séances and stuff since you guys are new dead… hang on…" Damien found a séance going on in South Park and stopped there.

"AAH!" came a shout from the circle.

"You can't break the circle you fucking dipshit!" came the reply to that.

"Hey… is that Butters?" Kyle raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, and those faggy Goth kids too" Cartman blinked.

"I can't talk to them. But the girl seems to be the medium. She'll hear you if you shout. You say you know that kid?"

"Yeah, that's Butters." Cartman nodded "HEY BUTTERS! I'M GOING TO POSSESS YOU!"

The girl Goth's eyes closed "I feel a presence… I feel… of one of those who died in the fire yesterday!"

"R-really? Who is it?" Butters whispered in awe.

"It's that fat kid…" the girl paused as Cartman said 'AYE!' "The one that you used to hang out with"

"Y-you mean Eric? He was doing a podcast with Kyle!" Butters explained.

"Goddamn it…" Kyle growled.

"Yeah, well apparently he wants to try possessing you" the girl sounded exasperated.

"POSSESS ME?!" Butters yelped "No way, I'm not letting Eric anywhere NEAR my soul!"

"Sounds like a good idea" Kyle snorted to Cartman's annoyance.

"Yeah, well I don't think your aura is a match for the fat kid anyway" the girl sighed.

"Awe…" Cartman sounded depressed.

"You fucking idiot…" Kyle seethed "WE JUST WANT TO DELIEVER A MESSAGE!"

"There's another with him… that Jewish kid..."

"Yeah, isn't he Kyle?" the Red Goth asked, flipping his fringe.

"Kyle's here too? Oh Jesus" Butters shook hard "H-hi guys, p-please don't haunt me!"

"No, they just want to deliver a message" the girl sounded irritated.

"oh" Butters flushed "W-well I guess that's alright then"

"TELL KENNY TO SHOOT HIMSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!" Kyle shouted.

"They say they want you to tell Kenny to shoot himself as soon as possible"

Silence.

"WHAT?!" Butters yelled, but Damien had already sent the boys back to hell.

"That should take care of that" Damien nodded.

"Uh… sure" Kyle said uncertainly "So if we're going to find Pip we should probably start looking now, maybe your Dad's seen him"

"I'll check the kitchen!"

"You would fat ass" Kyle muttered.

"Hey… you're talking to me!" Cartman said gleefully.

"Aw- AWW!" Kyle slapped his forehead in realization. Darn it.

*****

Kenny was just innocently reading his playboys in his bedroom when the rock came through the window, lodging into the parkaed boy's skull and causing him to spill blood all over the tasty centerfold he was eyeing up. So naturally, he was not a happy camper when he ended up with the new arrivals.

"Mmph mmph mmph!!!" Kenny yelled in frustration and started straight for the portal to earth, he had school in the morning! He needed all the jack off time he could get!

Sadly, before he made it 4 steps he was flagged down by Damien, Cartman and Kyle.

"Kenny! KENNY! Get over here you black asshole!" Cartman yelled.

"Mmph mmph mmph! Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph!"

"Oh yeah, we told Butters to tell you to kill yourself. We need your help finding Pip" Kyle explained.

"MMPH?I MMPH MMPH- mmph…" Kenny pulled own his hood. Hell was hot… "YOU GUYS COULDN'T WAIT A COUPLE HOURS?! SINCE WHEN DO YOU GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THAT FRENCH ASSHOLE!?"

"He's British" Damien said offhandedly. He hadn't really been paying much attention, distracted by a group of chimney sweeps who were throwing kittens into a lava pool.

"… uh… okay…" Cartman said raising an eyebrow at the random comment from the evil boy.

Kyle was also a bit confused by Damien's correction, but carried on replying to Kenny's question "Well, uh, we don't really, Damien wants to tattoo someone and we'd rather not be subjected to it"

Kenny looked at Damien questioningly "Well, if you want to tattoo someone so bad, I'll do it"

"No Kenny, you don't get it, he wants to tattoo really offensive things on you" Kyle said with a frown.

Kenny raised an eyebrow "Well, no one's going to see anything on me anyway, I wear my parka all the time…"

"Oh yeah." Kyle said nodding "So no problem then. Hey Damien, you can just tattoo Kenny, he says it's okay"

Damien started by frowning. Then he turned, glared at Kenny, and turned him into a duck billed platypus.

"Quack Quack" quacked Kenny.

"DAMIEN?! That's not cool!" Kyle gaped.

"DUDE! I thought you just wanted to tattoo someone!" Cartman gaped as well.

"Kenny, if you want to be human when you get back to earth, you'd better help me find my maid! GOT IT?!" Damien snapped. Kenny the platypus' eyes widened and he ran off, quacking Pip's name loudly. Hopefully Pip spoke platypus…

*****

"PIP!"

"PIIIIIIP!"

"HEY YOU LIMEY FRUITCAKE WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"QUACK QUACK!"

You might imagine that looking through hell for one small British boy might be better accomplished by splitting up, but apparently it hadn't occurred to them.

"PIP!"

"PIIIIIP!"

"I THOUGHT MAYBE I'D TATTOO A BIG ASSED DICK ON YOUR FOREHEAD!"

"QUACK… quack?"

Kyle stared at Damien "Yeah dude, Pip's not going to show up if he thinks you're going to tattoo him as soon as he does."

Damien scowled "And why the hell not?"

Cartman rolled his eyes and put his hands on his pudgy hips "Damien, its pretty obvious the little pussy faggot ran away because you were going to tattoo him."

"Well… where else would he go other then my house?" Damien frowned.

"I believe that's what we're trying to find out" Kyle said deadpan and they continued their walk, soundtrack of screams brought to them by the torturous demons of hell!

"AIIIII!!!"

"AAAAAH!!!"

"OH DEAR! AHAHAHA!"

"Wait, that last one sounded familiar" Cartman said, perking up.

"Hey yeah!" Damien grinned and led the rush over a pile of rocks to find Pip being mercilessly tickled, and looking to have crossed the threshold of fun and pain long ago. He had tears running down his face and though he laughed, he definitely did not appear to be having a good time.

"AHAHAHAAAAA"

"HEY! BACK OFF!" Damien snapped at the demons with feathers assaulting Pip's ribcage. They stopped and stared at the approaching black haired prince of hell. Damien walked over to Pip who was trying to regain his breath. He looked seriously tired.

"Oh… D-Damien…" Pip said, looking not very happy to see the boy who saved him from being tickled for eternity. Which really isn't funny. I swear, none of you people would want to be tickled for eternity. At first, yeah, it might seem like a funny way to spend eternity. But then it would get old fast, and it WOULDN'T STOP. Yeah. That's not cool man. Pip glared at Damien "I suppose not that I'm all tied up here you'll have no goddamned trouble tattooing whatever you want on me right?!"

Damien raised an eyebrow "Uh, yeah. Of course."

Pip twitched, then groaned and let his head hang limp against his chest in defeat. Typical. He wasn't going to win this was he?

"Quack quack quack quack QUACK!"

"Oh you have plenty of time to get to the portal Kenny! It hasn't even been two hours!" Damien snapped.

"QUACK QUACK QUACK-"

"GEEZ! FINE!" Damien snapped his fingers and Kenny turned human again.

"MMPH MMPH!"

"You're welcome." Damien rolled his eyes and took out his black needle. Pip raised his head a little and grimaced. Cartman looked utterly giddy, but Kyle seemed to be having second thoughts.

"Hey Damien, m-maybe you shouldn't do this to Pip. I mean, he really never did anything bad… ever. I mean, that's why he's a pussy and no one likes him and all, but I don't think he deserves anything this permanent…" Kyle said tentatively.

"What? Oh God Kyle, not another of your gay little speeches. Do it Damien! Shove that needle in his face! Hey, I got a better idea, write 'FRENCH KIKE' right on his cheeks!"

Kyle twitched, his face grew red, and then he lost it completely.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU TWICE YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!"

"AYE! KYLE NO! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cartman screamed as Kyle threw a punch. The fat boy started running "KENNEH! KENNEH HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THAT'S RIGHT YOU'D BETTER RUN FAT BOY!"

"… mmph mmph" Kenny muttered. He gave Damien a short saluting wave and headed off the portal. It was too damn late at night to deal with tattoos, Satanic beings AND Cartman and Kyle's usual bullshit.

As Kyle and Cartman ended up running further away, Damien was left with a seriously haggard looking Pip stretched out by chains, the demonic boy holding a black tattoo needle in his hand. But surprisingly Damien decided to talk some more.

"You know you're really goddamn lucky I came here you know" Damien said looking a little pissed.

"Oh really? You're right, I feel so goddamn bloody well lucky I'm going to be made a human pincushion! Thanks!" Pip said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Damien scowled "Well at least that won't last for eternity like being tickled would've if I hadn't come and saved you! And sure being tickled for eternity might SOUND funny, but it's not!"

Pip groaned "Yeah, but whatever you leave on my skin WILL last forever. So forgive me if I'm not joyous at that prospect!"

"You know you've gotten quite the goddamn mouth now haven't you?!" Damien growled.

"Well you know getting killed repeatedly helps that apparently!" Pip snapped, eyes starting to water "Just… just use me as your goddamn billboard of obscenity already! I want to get down from here…"

Damien seemed to be chewing the inside of his cheek and thinking. He walked casually over to Pip. Then walked behind him. Pip felt the back bits of his longish hair being lifted up. Then a searing pain across the back of his neck.

"AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!" pip screamed. How the hell would he live through this happening across the rest of his body?! He'd be driven crazy. Utterly mad with the pain of it.

Then… it was done. Damien stepped back.

"There" Damien smirked and let the hair fall back in place, partially obscuring his handiwork. Pip could only imagine what racial slur was being broadcast from his neck now "Done" the chains were released. Pip let out another shriek as he fell to the ground. He rubbed his wrists and arms, then carefully felt the back of his neck.

"D-done?" Pip hardly believed what he'd heard "I thought you were-" but Damien had already seemed to lose interest and was screaming for Kyle to let Cartman out of the headlock and quit tearing out his hair so they could go home.

As Pip walked back, following Damien and the still-fighting Colorado boys, he kept reaching to feel the back of his neck and wondering what the hell Damien put back there that was bad enough to count for a whole body's worth of pain…

_Joyful Note: So. This was longer then usual by two pages on word. I don't know, is the quality slipping? Maybe not quality, but I think it's at least setting up for something seriously cheesy… NO! I refuse to let Damien turn into a pussy, he will torture Pip! Dating the son of Satan isn't supposed to be perfect damn it! I demand a blood sacrifice! BLOOD I TELL YOU! … woah. I have no clue where that came from. I really shouldn't be typing this late at night…_


	5. It Had Been a Week In Hell

**A Dip In Hell V**

It had been a week.

A week in hell.

Literally.

"Damien, must you hang me from the ceiling for this game?" Pip asked whilst biting his lip and dangling from the ceiling near Damien, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman who were gathered around a chalkboard.

"It's _called_ 'hangman' isn't it?" Damien said rolling his eyes and turning to Kyle "Is there an X?"

"… no…" Kyle said with a frown as he placed X next to the Z, W, and Y and Pip fell a few more inches towards the pit of invisible rattlesnakes who hissed excitedly. Okay, so it wasn't conventional hangman. But for some reason Damien had taken to simple physical torture instead of simply killing his young cross-dressed maid. It might've been because he didn't want to have to go looking for Pip if he decided to take off again. In fact, Pip had barely been outside with the short exception of a few days before when Cartman and Kyle got into another fight as Cartman tried to get Pip to find Hitler so he could fanboy over him and Kyle of course got seriously pissed over that. They were having a tug of war on Pip's arms before Kenny randomly died via boating accident and broke up the fight. In the end Cartman went off to find Hitler himself. But as it turned out Hitler was in the hell 'celebrity protection program' where famous and infamous people go to live so as not to be stalked by normal people. And Kyle had convinced Damien not to pull some strings and let Cartman meet him anyway, so the fat boy was rather put out for a while anyway.

But now Kenny had died yet again and they were playing hangman in the living room. With Pip dangling by his wrists over a pit of invisible rattlesnakes. And Damien seemed to be trying his hardest to infect Pip with rattlesnake venom and bite marks. He'd probably let Pip suffer a while before giving him antidote. He'd done that the last time they played a game like this. Though that time it was just regular scorpions, not invisible rattlesnakes.

"Oh dear!" Pip gasped, swinging his legs up from the pit, wishing he could see where the strikes would come from instead of just hearing that hissing and rattling…

"Mmph, mmph" Kenny said uneasily eyeing the rattlesnake pit as if afraid they would be inexplicably drawn out and towards the parkaed boy like guided missiles to send him back to the new arrivals. Really, for Kenny, it was an unreasonable fear.

"S? Okay yeah" Kyle nodded and filled out the spaces. The hangman puzzle now read:

'_ A _ _ _ A _ _ S A _ A _ A S S'

Cartman had suggested the A and Y. Damien had the Z and X. Kenny gave the W. It was Cartman's turn again now.

"Heh, ass" Cartman snorted.

"Yep" Kyle said with a smirk. Kenny seemed to have gotten it now but also seemed to be allowing Cartman's turn anyway. He was giggling at least, which was a good sign. Kyle appreciated it.

"Uh… T!"

"Yep" Kyle grinned. Now it read '_ A _ T _ A _ _ S A _ A T A S S'

"Thank goodness" Pip moaned and twitched in his bindings. He really wished he could just clean some more. He'd gladly clean the basement again, despite the immense size and corpses everywhere. Dead rats and stuff, yeah, at least he didn't have the threat of rattlesnake poison. And actually the rats down there were very nice. Dead as they were, they proved to be excellent listeners as Pip ranted over his past week in literal hell.

Damien seemed to be getting the puzzle too, but he didn't exactly seem interested in winning "D?"

"Nope" Kyle shook his head and placed D with the other reject letters. Pip fell a bit further.

"AAH!" Pip screamed and started trying to swing away from the pit, futile as he knew this prospect was. That's when Satan entered.

"Hey guys, I just made a cake, who wants a piece? It's Black Forest!" he said cheerily.

"Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!" Cartman said waving his pudgy hand.

"Mmph" Kenny nodded. Kyle and Damien also agreed. Satan nodded back and then looked at Pip.

"And Miss Pip, did you want anything?" he asked.

"The maid's a bit… tied up at the moment wouldn't you say Dad?" Damien said with a smirk.

"Oh right, maybe later!" Satan said disappearing into the kitchen briefly before returning with cake slices on plates. Pip's stomach grumbled. He really hadn't eaten that much since he had last died. But then again he didn't really feel that hungry most of the time. He did right now though, so it was rather torturous simply watching the other boys devour their own sweets.

"mmm…" Kenny moaned pleasurably into his last mouthful "Okay, I" Kenny grinned "Your turn fat ass!"

"Right!" Kyle grinned '_ A _ T _ A _ I S A _ A T A S S'

Cartman, who had finished his cake in seconds and had been sitting bored now eagerly added "F! As in eff you Kenny!"

Kyle glanced at Kenny as he filled in 'FAT ASS'

"AYE!" Cartman screamed "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING ASSHOLE!" Cartman said in sudden realization "I'm not solving that you sneaky Jew!"

"Okay, then you won't win" Kyle shrugged at Cartman's seething rage with ultimate enjoyment.

"One more letter wrong and Pip's gonna get bit to death anyway" Cartman snapped "And Damien's next. He won't solve"

"I know" Kyle sighed "Oh well. Go ahead Damien"

"P?" Damien asked, full gleeful attention on Pip.

"No…" Kyle said adding P to the failures and adding Pip to the rattlesnake pit.

"AAAAIIIII!" Pip shrieked as the rope gave out and he fell full into the den of invisible snakes.

"The correct answer was of course, Cartman is a fat ass. Good try though" Kyle shrugged. Cartman gaped and glared in anger.

"I-I'm not fat asshole! I'm big boned!"

"Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph"

"heh heh, that's right Kenny" Kyle nodded.

"W-well screw you guys, I'm going home! Er- to my room! Kyle, don't you dare fucking come in!" Cartman snapped and stormed off. Kyle sighed and shrugged.

"Whatever. He deserves it. So what did you want to talk about before Kenny?" Kyle asked his blond friend.

As this conversation occurs, please note that Pip is being bitten by invisible rattlesnakes, to Damien's watching delight.

"Mmph… mmph mmph mmph mmphmmph mmph mmph?" Kenny asked uneasily.

"Uh, sure" Kyle shrugged and the two moved out into the hall. Damien didn't notice. Kenny pulled won his hood and gave Kyle a rather sweaty and terrified look "Dude… you don't look so good"

"I know" Kenny groaned "Kyle… you know Wendy dumped Stan about a day after you came to hell right? I told you that"

"Yeah…" Kyle said slowly. He was still pissed at Wendy for that. The whole reason he'd ended up in hell was because of that bitch being in possessive love with Stan and now she suddenly dumped him… it wasn't cool.

"Well, he was… he was really broken up about that. And you and Cartman both dying. And so I've been kinda having to fill in as his best friend…"

"Yeah…" Kyle had not a clue where this was going. Poor Jewish soul.

"Well, we were in my room… and we were just talking about Butters suddenly being gay, and about… stuff… and then… we ki- we…"

"We what?" Kyle asked blandly.

"… kissed" Kenny squeaked. As Kyle's eyes started to widen Kenny went on at increasing speeds "It was like, it was like the first time I was brought back from the dead! And next thing I knew we were in our underwear on the floor, then Butters came in and my mom thought he was trying to rape us… but still! It was just… just…" he seemed at a loss for words.

"But… Stan's straight" Kyle blinked stupidly.

Kenny snorted "Well if he was before he sure didn't seem like it then." Then he sobered "B-but, I've kinda been avoiding him, because I don't know, I thought I was straight too! I mean, I love titties! They're huge, beautiful, why would I feel like this for Stan?! It doesn't make any sense! It's… it's completely insane!"

"Well I agree" Kyle said nodding slowly "But so is me feeling anything other then disdain and hatred for Cartman"

"Yeah, and that tattoo on Pip's neck is so not usual Damien. I don't get it. It's like everything's gone screwy in South Park" Kenny shook his head "So… what should I do about Stan?"

Kyle frowned "Well… you can't keep avoiding him. You know how he gets when he's stuck alone for any period of time. I don't want him joining the Goths again over this. You should sit down and talk about this like rational people"

"But-"

"No buts Kenny" Kyle said firmly "You have to go back to Stan and tell him your feelings, have him tell you his, and try to figure out if he's just on the rebound from Wendy, if this is Stockholm Syndrome or what. I know you can do this Kenny. You always do the right thing. Erm… except when it involves getting high" Kyle added as an afterthought.

"Heh heh, yeah" Kenny said with a goofy smile. He sighed and put his hood back up "Mmph, mmph mmph mmph mmph"

"Oh, okay. See ya later" Kyle replied to Kenny's goodbye and the kid in the orange parka headed out of Satan's front door. Kyle returned to the living room where Damien was looking rather confused "What's up?"

Damien turned to Kyle "I'm not sure, I was watching Pip get bit by rattlesnakes and he suddenly vanished. I felt something brush against me I think though I had no idea invisible rattlesnake venom turned you invisible…"

Kyle frowned "So will it kill him too, is it permanent?"

"I don't know!" Damien snapped "But I know he's not in the pit anymore. Fuck" Damien stamped his foot "WELL I'M GOING TO FIND HIM DAMN IT!" he shouted and marched off. Kyle stared after him. Hmm. He seemed mad. Strange. But no stranger then Stan and Kenny getting it on, Kyle supposed. Best not question it too much. Instead, he decided to see if he could get into his and Cartman's room and continue wrecking revenge on the fat ass.

*****

Pip did not know he was invisible as he ran through the house. Because, due to the first law of invisibleness, if you are invisible you can see other invisible things. So basically for him the rattlesnakes simply came into view, and he took this chance to escape the pit and take off at a run. He brushed against Damien on the way but the evil boy barely noticed until he was nearly out the living room door. And God help him he wasn't turning back.

He managed to reach a bathroom and quickly locked himself inside. He looked in the mirror and noticed the 2nd law of invisibleness, that although you can see other invisible things, you cannot see yourself. So when pip regarded the mirror minus his reflection, he became rather distressed.

"Oh dear, I don't exist!" he freaked out. Then he managed to calm a little "Or… or maybe I'm just invisible." He pinched himself "OUCH! No, no I definitely exist. So, I'm invisible? Well. I guess this means I won't find out what Damien wrote on my neck. Still, at least it won't offend anybody." Pip sighed. No, he still hadn't managed to figure out what Damien had tattooed on the back of his neck. He needed 2 mirrors to look back there, and he never found more then one mirror in a room.

"Oh I say!" Pip gasped as the bathroom door opened to reveal an oblivious to his presence Satan and MJ making out and groping for the bathtub. Pip, needless to say, quickly squeezed around them and escaped into the hall again. He then witnessed Damien quickly approaching and looking angry. Pip let out a yelp. This was obviously a bad idea because Damien, though he could not see Pip, did hear him and sped up his pace. Pip took off at a run and his footsteps echoed loudly in the hall, making it easy for Damien to hear and take off at a run as well. Pip of course fell into a rather horrid panic regarding this.

"GET BACK HERE LIMEY! I CAN'T SEE YOU BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T FIND YOU!" Damien screamed. But then Pip had a stroke of genius. He stopped running and hid against the wall. After Damien ran past and looked confused, Pip silently snuck back the way Damien had come. He did managed to sneak down the hall in that direction, but then all the doors slammed shut. Pip hurried to one door and tried to open one. It wouldn't open.

_'Oh dear'_ Pip thought fearfully looking at Damien.

"There. Now the whole mansion is completely sealed. He won't be able to escape this time!" Damien stomped away to search for the Brit, who was only several meters away and fighting severe hyperventilating. As his heart beat like crazy, he debated just turning himself in to Damien and facing whatever was the next horror that awaited him. On the other hand, if he managed to hide long enough, Damien would have to unseal the place eventually. And then he could escape. Invisible in hell he might be able to avoid the demons. He might even be able to file for a life extension somehow! Pip, being British, was not exactly prone to optimism, but he did look on the bright side of life. So he figured he'd still get killed or something if he turned himself in and if he stayed hidden and was later caught, so he had nothing to lose by trying to hide. The problem was, he was stuck in the hallway Damien was currently searching. That might complicate things.

"Damn it you Limey fruitcake if you don't reveal yourself right now I'll make you regret it! You mark my words!" Damien demanded. Pip quaked, eyes big, but he daren't make a sound. This was survival instinct here.

_I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm… hey I really am dead aren't I? Oh that hardly matters, what on earth will become of me now?!_ Pip thought in terror as Damien approached, and his eyes glinted with fire. Soon the hall was engulfed with flames.

"AH!" Pip shrieked.

"Ah HA!" Damien grinned as Pip found himself rushing as far from the fire as he could manage, screaming in a terror he did not understand. He usually had little problem with fire… except when it was burning him of course. But now, having it so close, all around him, no way out… "OOF!"

Damien grunted as Pip leapt up into his arms, having run across the hallway in avoidance of the flames.

"STOP THEM! OH GOD NO TURN THEM OFF TURN THEM OFF NO!" Pip screeched, clawing at Damien's shirt desperately.

"AH! GET OFF ME!" Damien gasped in annoyance as the invisible weight clung to him. His eyes flared twice. Once put out the flames, and the second threw Pip off him and pinned him to the wall. Pip was invisible, but the ash from the fire showed up, so Damien saw the black shapes stuck to thin air and approached them.

"Oh… oh my goodness" Pip groaned, shaking him head and sending small clouds of ash stirring up from his hair.

"I knew that would flush you out. When you die, whatever killed you becomes your worst fear. Anyway, what the hell do you think you're doing, trying to run away? You think just because you're invisible you'd be able to escape torture in hell? You wouldn't last 3 seconds stupid!" Damien raged.

"I, erm, s-sorry?" Pip asked, hoping an apology would avoid more flame-torture. That was scarring man.

"Now I have to figure out how to make you visible too! Damn!" Damien growled "Well I'm going to let you off the wall but if you run I can assure you that you'll be sleeping in a furnace from now on!"

"AH! Okay, I won't run!" Pip gasped in terror. Then he slumped off the wall and stumbled back to his feet, trying to dust himself off.

"Don't do that!" Damien snapped "That's how I can tell where you are idiot!" he groped around in Pip's direction until he grabbed the shoulder of his maid outfit. Which, incidentally, was also invisible. I realize that it's a bit strange that his clothes are invisible yet the ash is not. Well this is because of another law of invisibleness that says whatever you are wearing when you became invisible also turns invisible, but flour, ash, sticky tape, or anything else you put on afterwards remains to be seen.

Damien reached the door at the end of the hall while dragging Pip with him. He tried to push the door open… but it wouldn't budge.

"What the hell?" Damien asked and pushed harder, rattling the doorknob, but it wouldn't turn.

"Uh, Damien, not to be a other but didn't you seal all the exits?" Pip reminded him.

Damien blinked "Oh… right…" he frowned. There was silence for a bit.

"Then, um, shouldn't you… unseal them?" Pip suggested.

"I… don't know how" Damien admitted.

"WHAT?! THEN WHY DID YOU SEAL THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"

"SHUT UP!" Damien shouted and threw Pip against the wall again before pounding on the door "DAD! DAD! HEY!" he screamed in rising anger. Pip wasn't sure being trapped in a short hallway with angry Damien was a good thing. Scratch that, it was definitely bad.

*

Meanwhile in Satan's bedroom he, MJ and the sailors from one of the ships Kyle accidently sank with the Battleship Game were having a group orgy.

"Yes! We're breaking the record for longest time having sex!" MJ cheered "This will be the best week ever!"

"Does anyone else hear banging?" Satan asked suddenly.

"Heh heh, I sure do!" one sailor laughed and spanked Satan's red ass gleefully.

"No, no I'm serious you guys-" the noise in the room got louder as the men cheered and screamed and shot clue goo everywhere, effectively covering up any outside noise "Aw… maybe I'm just hearing things"

*

"Kyle, I can't get the door open!" Cartman gasped "THE CHEESY POOFS! I'LL WASTE AWAY! NOOOO!"

"… you are such a fat ass Cartman" Kyle rolled his eyes from the bed.

*

"This isn't working" Damien muttered and turned to Pip "What the hell do we do now?"

"Wha- why are you asking me? I haven't the foggiest!" Pip snapped.

"Well I don't really have anyone else to ask do I?!"

"No… no I suppose not" Pip sighed and looked around the hallway. Nothing. So he fell into thought as Damien tapped his foot impatiently. Then Pip perked up. He had a plan… even if it really sucked for him "Okay… I think I have an idea."

"Well out with it Limey!"

Pip fought a growl and came out with it "You're… you're going to have to kill me. I'll go back to the waiting area and get help from someone to get the rest of you out of the mansion"

Damien stared for a moment before scowling "No way! You'll just run off and get caught by demons again or something and then we'll all be screwed!"

"Well it's our only hope! You asked me what we should do, and this is it!"

"I guess" Damien muttered "Fine" Pip was surprised by the sudden compliance "But hurry up!" his eyes flashed red, Pip's neck broke, and the world was going black again.


	6. Pip to the Rescue! Huzzah!

**A Dip In Hell VI**

Pip groaned as he came back to consciousness among the new arrivals of Hell. As the guy on the podium addressed the huddled masses Pip hurried towards him. No one bothered getting out of the way for him, but Pip attributed this to the fact that these people were new arrivals and therefore probably rather distressed and confused. But no, that was sadly not the reason, as Pip soon discovered upon reaching the podium.

"E-excuse me sir! Sir!" Pip gasped, tapping the man's shoulder.

"And so the best housing opportunities south of the Lake of Fire are- uh-" he looked down in Pip's direction and his eyes widened in confusion.

"Uh, yes sir, well you see there's this problem at Satan's mansion. I-"

"AH! A GHOST! A VOICE FROM NOWHERE AAAH!" the man screamed and ran. Pip blinked and looked down at his arm.

"Oh dear" Pip sighed, discovering he was still invisible. This was definitely a problem if death itself wouldn't cure him. What if he was stuck invisible forever?! Well… he was pretty much invisible anyway… actually the fact that people couldn't see him and bully him was probably an improvement… well none the less he had to find someone that would help him rescue Damien and the rest of Satan's household. And Cartman and Kyle too he supposed.

Some people might bring up the question of why Pip would still want to help Damien now that he was free. Well honestly, he had good reason to. After all, no matter what Damien would, most likely, escape from his house. And if he did, and if he discovered Pip had run away, and if he found Pip somehow (despite Pip being invisible he could still probably find a way) the consequences of the level of rage this would send Damien into was unimaginable and therefore rightly terrifying for the young still cross-dressed Brit. Even if he was invisible and no one could tell he was cross dressed. This could probably be considered another perk of the situation.

Unfortunately, the man at the podium was not the only ghost-fearing person in hell. In fact, every person young Pip approached seemed terrified of his disembodied voice. This was sort of weird I know. We could assume the man on the podium was killed by a ghost… somehow… and that is the reason he feared Pip so much. But as Pip faced the 6th group of Hellians running from him in terror, he decided there was probably some other reason that everyone was afraid of him.

Problems. Lord help him.

It took a whole hour of looking for help before he nearly gave up and started wandering in despair. That's when he bumped into a rather large lady.

"Oops! Oh dear, I'm so sorry!" Pip gasped and backed up. The black lady turned and Pip saw an old man, presumably her husband, standing next to her.

"Oh my dearie look, it's a little invisible boy!' she gasped.

"What? You mean like a ghost?" the husband asked wide eyed. His wife smacked him.

"No you idiot! I know ghosts, I did exorcisms enough to know a ghost from an invisible boy! Remember that little fat kid who drank his friend's ashes? Now that kid had a ghost in 'im!"

Her husband scoffed "You can tell a ghost from an invisible kid and yet you can't figure out not to give a goddamn Lock Ness Monster 'tree fiddy'?!"

"This kid ain't no ghost!" the woman snapped and gave Pip's direction a smile "Right dear?"

"Erm… right" Pip said with a small frown. Then he brightened. These people could possibly help! "Oh, you have to help me, I-"

"Oh you're invisible. Don't worry, don't worry, I was an invisible zoologist in my youth you know! Now what animal bite made you like this?" the woman asked.

"Oh, erm, an invisible rattlesnake" Pip said, suddenly distracted by this pleasant surprise.

"Oh I have just the thing." She reached down the front of her dress and pulled out a small bottle "Just pour that down your throat" she said holding out the bottle. Pip took it and looked at it uncertainly for a moment before drinking it, figuring the worst it could do was kill him… probably. It felt slimey going down his throat and tingled in his stomach, but as he looked down at his arm he discovered to his delight that his skin was returning to view!

"Oh, splendid!" Pip said happily clapping his hands and then looked at the black lady curiously "What was that stuff anyway?"

"Oh, just some frog extract, mildew, gorilla feces, but it worked and that's all that matters"

"Uh… right" Pip said frowning in his disgust. But yes, it had worked. Well! That was all good then- oh wait! "Oh, th-there's something else! Satan, Damien and their guests are trapped inside their mansion! Damien sealed all the doors and doesn't know how to unseal them, can you help me break in?"

The woman frowned "Well I don't know, I know voodoo but you'll need a lot of brute force to break through a door sealed by the son of the devil."

"Goddamn it monster!" snapped the man and Pip and the woman turned and found themselves looking up at a creature form the Paleozoic era looking down at the man, holding out a flipper.

"I need about three fifty" it said in a deep voice.

"Erp…" Pip squeaked.

"No you goddamned monster I ain't givin you no tree fiddy!" the man shouted in anger.

"Now, now hang on Daddy, this monster might be just what we need to break into the mansion!" the woman said holding her hands out to the monster "I'll give you tree fiddy if you'll help us break into Satan's mansion!"

"No woman! That ain't worth no tree fiddy!" the man snapped.

"… how about two fifty?" the monster asked.

"Two dollars square or no way!" the man snapped.

"… Two twenty?"

"Did I say two twennie? No! I said two even or nothing!" snapped the old black man.

The monster seemed to consider this "… okay"

So with that, the group of four headed for Satan's mansion.

*****

"Alright, I'll get the voodoo juice flowing Monster, and then you can break through" the black woman said in front of the mansion doors. Pip stood by anxiously as the Lock Ness Monster reared its head up to look at the large double front doors.

"Okay" it said in confirmation.

"I still don't think this is worth no two even…" the black man muttered as his wife put on her human bone necklace and grabbed her shunken head staff and started chanting. The door glowed, and the Lock Ness Monster threw its tail against the door. A few thwacks accompanied by a couple roundhouse kicks broke the hinges and the seal, toppling the door forward.

"Oh good show chaps!" Pip cheered happily "Now we just need to go upstairs and break out Satan, I'm sure he'll know what to do!"

"Alright there child, come on Lock Ness Monster" the black woman said, heading for the stairs. The Monster however did not follow.

"Uh, Mr. Monster sir? Satan's room is upstairs" Pip said hesitantly pointing.

"I need about three fifty" the Monster said blinking slowly.

The black man blew up at him "I'M NOT GIVIN YOU NO TREE FIDDY!"

"I'm not breaking down another door until I get three fifty"

"Then you ain't breakin down another door damn it monster I ain't givin you no tree fiddy damn it!" the black man yelled. The monster stared, shrugged, and left. Pip gasped.

"No no no! We need you to-" the monster was gone "Oh dear…" Pip muttered and turned to the black man with some British rage "Why would you do that?! He only wanted three dollars and fifty cents!"

"Well if you give these people money ONE time, you can't get rid of 'em, they just keep coming back for more!" the black man defended. Pip made angry noises as he marched up the stairs himself Maybe he could just attract Satan's attention by banging on the door of his room or something…

He reached Satan's room easily enough. But the level of music on the other side told him that making himself heard would not be easy. But he had to give it a try none the less. So summoning up all his energy the British boy threw his arms against the door again and again, screaming at the top of his little limey lungs, hoping against hope that his cries would be heard by the homosexual god of hell.

Inside, the music blared, and Pip's beatings just happened to match the beat perfectly. And his yelling wasn't out of place among the frequent moans from the bedroom, so this wasn't working out too well.

As Pip's throat got hoarse he sighed and slumped against the wall. This wasn't doing any good. But perhaps… perhaps he could be of use to Damien if he told him that he was available to get help from someone the evil boy knew. This in mind, Pip headed for the hallway he's left Damien trapped in.

*****

Damien was very, very bored.

He'd thrown fire balls at the walls for a while, but seeing as this did nothing against his seal, it got boring fast. He was left to stare at the wall, wondering vaguely where Pip had run off to. He really wasn't even entertaining the possibility that the British boy was coming back. Even if he was too scared to try running off on his own, he couldn't possibly get in by himself. And if he tried getting someone to help him odds were he'd just end up tickled into eternity again. That tattoo on his neck wasn't going to really help either.

Seriously, if he didn't think it would be cool to hunt down and rescue or punish Pip again once his dad realized he was locked in his room and released everything, he wouldn't've bothered killing him.

Though he had assumed, to his credit, that Satan would _not_ have been in the midst of trying to set a record for longest lasting all male orgy. It was, after all, not something a child wants to think about regarding their parents…

So it was a surprise when he heard pounding on the hallway door and the squeaky British accent yelling his name.

"What the-?" Damien blinked and got up from where he was sitting and went to the door "P-Pip?"

"Oh Damien! I got the Lock Ness Monster to break down the front door with the help of a voodoo priestess! But, uh, the priestess' husband sort of drove the Monster away. I-I tried to get your Father's attention but he seems to be having a-a party in his room or something. I don't know what to do!" Pip gasped through the door.

Damien scowled "Of course you don't, you're a stupid blond limey!"

"I-I do not like it when you call me a limey Damien! Especially when I have to save you and everything! You could at least pretend to be nice to me until you're within firing range of me!" Pip snapped.

Damien paused. The bitch might have a point. But it really didn't seem like him to be nice. Well, maybe he could refrain from Limey comments. For now.

"Erm… wha-whatever" Damien shrugged, not entirely sure why because Pip couldn't see him through the door but… "Look, if you want to get my Dad's attention and you can't make a loud enough noise, try getting a pan of fresh brownies or something. He'll smell them and at least try to find out where the smell is coming from. He'll try the door, find it sealed, and unseal it. No problem"

"Oh, that's a splendid idea Damien!" Pip gasped.

"Of course it is. I'm not stupid." Damien growled "Now go get some brownies and fast!"

"Yes sir!" Pip replied and Damien heard footsteps rushing away. Damien sighed and leaned against the wall. The limey actually got back. He even got inside. That was surprising.

He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed he couldn't hunt him down and punish him, but he figured he could probably torture him a but and feel better about it once he was out.

*****

Pip was very glad the kitchen didn't have a door on it. And as it turned out all he had to do to get fresh brownies was think about them whilst opening the oven door. It was dreadfully convenient.

Grabbing a set of oven mitts with kittens on them, Pip grabbed the pan and hurried up the stairs. The black man and woman were still arguing in the front hall he noticed, but they were hardly his concern at the moment.

Standing outside Satan's door again, Pip hoped the scent would waft through the door despite the seal. If it didn't, that would be a whole plan down the drain and he wasn't sure he had anything else.

*****

Satan froze at the scent of brownies. He quickly pushed MJ away and turned off the music.

"Hey, what's the deal Satan?" asked one of the sailors, seeming a bit ticked off.

"Hang on you guys, I think I smell brownies or something?" Satan walked to the door and tried it. It wouldn't turn "What? That's… strange" Satan banged on the door "Hello? Is anybody out there?"

"Oh! Oh yes Mr. Satan sir!"

"Miss Pip?" Satan said in surprise "Oh well, the door appears to be locked or something, can you open it from your side?"

"Well, erm, no, no I'm afraid not. You see, Damien actually sealed the entire mansion, and he doesn't know how to unseal it. Do you suppose you could unseal it?"

Satan groaned "Awe no, I must have told that kid a thousand times not to do anything he can't reverse! I can't undo magic HE did, he has to do it himself!"

"But he doesn't know how!" Pip said through the door, seeming slightly panicky.

Satan sighed "Don't worry, I can tell you what Damien has to do and you can tell him, okay?"

"Oh, righto!" Pip replied excitedly.

"Okay, so tell him he has to call on the fires of Lake Despair, tap the chi of the Jarvis, and use a drop of blood on one of the doors." Satan said slowly.

"Oh, uh, right!" Pip hurried away from the door.

*****

Pip hurried back to Damien's prison and rapped on the door until an annoyed grunt signaled Damien was listening. Pip quickly relayed what Satan had said.

"The chi of who?" Damien's voice asked.

"Jarvis, apparently" Pip said hesitantly.

"Jarvis the Red?"

Pip stared "Uh… I don't know…"

"Well you have to find out!"

*****

Pip huffed back to Damien's room a few minutes later "No, no it's Jarvis the Terrifying"

"Oh, oh yeah that makes sense" Damien replied and Pip sighed. Running back and forth like that is tiring. He was leaning against the door. Perhaps this was stupid. Because when the seal came off, the door flew open, throwing Pip across the room.

"AH!" Pip cried. But, shockingly, he stopped just before he hit the wall and found himself being pulled backward through the air and set down in front of Damien "Oh, um… th-thank you Damien?" Pip said in some understandable confusion. And a little weirded outness too. After all, Damien had prevented him from experiencing pain, and furthermore was smiling. This was strange. Damien only smiled when someone was in pain…

Damien was however smiling. It was rather distressing to view. Especially since he didn't explain it. He just walked past Pip, grabbing his hand in the process "Come on, let's go get Kyle and Cartman and go to McDonalds"

"Erm… righto…" Pip murmured. Damien hadn't thanked him for coming back to save him, honestly the Brit didn't expect him to. But that he was strangely smiling, tugging him along by the hand, saving him for another bloody death… all this caused Pip to assume that the Satanic boy had become rather oxygen deprived in that hallway.

Yeah. That had to be it.

_((Joyful Note: S'up guys? Um… I know I haven't updated in a while. School and stuff! And Final Fantasy III… and Guitar Hero… … … … w-well anywho… back for now! And I'll probably have another big pause before the next. Just add me to story alert guys, I'll update when I can, I refuse to stop! Long live my stubbornness! Or something))_


	7. Pip's Gonna Be His WHAT?!

**A Dip In Hell VII**

When Damien and Pip reached Cartman and Kyle's room, Pip had to close his eyes right away.

Apparently they had discovered some chains under the bed. And a button that turned the room into a torture dungeon. Pip wondered vaguely if Damien had a button that did that in his room too.

Anyway, Kyle and Cartman found excellent ways to make use of THAT… But Cartman was starving and well up for a trip to Mickey Dee's so they would put their games on hold for the moment.

(note: … I have not a clue if anyone else in this world knows that Mickey Dee's means McDonalds. All I know is that's what the people at my school call it. Sorry if you are confused. I mean, I thought all Canadians knew Timmy's was Tim Horton's, but then my Nova Scotia buddy tells me he never heard it called that. I am so devastated and lost in my own slang that I probably should realize I should've just said McDonald's up there and avoided this painful explanation paragraph. Again, I apologize.)

*****

"Dudes, I think there's a guy getting his dick cut off over there" Cartman said gleefully pointing.

"Uh, wow, that kinda sucks" Kyle frowned.

"Heh, he was a rapist, don't worry about it" Damien shrugged.

"Don't care" Cartman rolled his eyes and then smirked at Kyle "Hey Kahl, maybe we could get his chopped off prick and use it as a sex toy!"

Kyle looked horrified "DUDE!"

"Oh dear" Pip grimaced, hoping the task of collecting the severed man-part would not fall to him.

"No, we're going to McDonalds! Besides, they're going to jam it up the guy's own ass and then choke him with it. If you want a dildo just ask my dad, he's got a closet full" Damien said rolling his eyes. They continued on and soon reached the Hellfire-lit golden arches.

After a screaming, abusive ordering (Cartman really enjoyed that and actually re-ordered about 5 times), they took their food outside to eat it. Damien ordered for Pip. This wasn't weird because Pip sort of failed at actually getting food last time. But Damien ordered him a super sized McFlurry. It was the freaking size of Pip's head.

That's a lot of simulated ice cream I have to tell you. And it came with a cooling agent in the cup so that it wouldn't melt in the Hell heat.

Pip really hadn't a clue what to do with it. He'd never seen so much frozen dessert in one place.

"Um, so, s-someone's sharing this with me… right?" Pip asked wide eyed. Damien grinned.

"Nope. It's all yours."

Pip stared "Oh." So he made an attempt.

Oh it was valiant. But he soon conducted a brain freeze of epic proportions and the ice cream headache was downright near unbearable. Damien seemed not to find this method of torture that entertaining however, so he rolled his eyes and took the enormous ice cream treat away from a rather grateful Brit.

They then went to a small lava pit to throw rocks in. They melted on contact with the red oozing molten rock, so it was pretty damn fun. That is, until Cartman ran his mouth off. Again. AGAIN for Christ's sake. This kid NEVER learns.

Oh let's face it, that's why we love him. But that's not the point right now.

"Hey, I bet Hitler wishes he had one of these things to dump the Jews in! They'd just all melt in an instant, no gas, no smoke!" Cartman laughed. Kyle's eyes bulged.

"C-CARTMAN!!! What. The. HELL?! I'M A JEW YOU STUPID FAT TURD!"

Cartman gasped a bit "No way, I would never have guess with your big beak nose and huge Jewfro!"  
Kyle's mouth hung open and he grabbed at his nose in hurt shock "I-I do not have a beak nose!"

Cartman cocked his head to one side "Well, it's not-"

"YOU ARE SUCH A BASTARD!" Kyle screamed and threw his weight against the fat boy. He knocked him into the lava pit.

"AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cartman screamed just like a girl as his flesh melted off into skeleton and then into nothing. Kyle stared. Then looked at an open mouthed Damien.

"He- uh- he's just going to come back right?"

"Huh?" Damien started blinking "oh, uh, in a couple of hours yeah" he snorted "Holy shit, I didn't think you'd go that far!"

"W-well, he fucking deserved it!" Kyle defended, folding his arms "That's it, I can't stand him anymore! When he gets back, tell him we're broken up! I'm moving out of the room."

Damien frowned "We don't really have any other guest rooms. I guess you can take Pip's room though. Pip can move back in with me" he sent a devilish smirk at Pip who jumped a little. He had had the good fortune of being able to sleep in a cockroach-invisible animal-free room for the past week, but it seemed that good fortune would come to an end quickly. A true shame.

So the three headed back to the mansion, Pip being assigned to help Kyle move his junk.

… no not THAT junk you dirty people! Geez.

*****

"He's always doing stuff like that!" Kyle growled as Pip helped carry an array of loose socks down the hall "I mean, he did it before we were going out and maybe I called him some stuff back, but you'd think once we're together he'd at least have the decency to stop laughing over the idea of Jews dying! But NOOOOOO, he doesn't see a problem at all!"

Pip dropped a sock. Darn. He leaned down sort of backwards to try and pick it up, lost his footing, and there were socks everywhere.

"Oh no!" Pip gasped and started trying to grab them up as quick as possible. Kyle leaned down to help.

"Here, let me carry some of those" Kyle said kindly grabbing up a couple of handfuls. Pip was grateful definitely.

"Oh, thank you" Pip said with a relieved sigh.

"Yeah, Cartman would NEVER help. He'd just sit there like a fat lump and laaaaugh" Kyle scowled. Back to business for him it seemed "I don't know what I see in him, I honestly don't! He's racist, he's fat, he's retarded, he's pretty much everything bad- I can't think of anything he doesn't do!"

Pip raised an eyebrow "He doesn't kill you and physically torture you on a regular basis does he?"

Kyle frowned "Well… no. But he did TRY to kill me on a couple of occasions, and he didn't know I'd come back in two hours! And Lord knows he's tried damn hard to get me to cry- asshole"

Pip still believed Kyle was much better off then he was. Of course, Pip wasn't dating Damien or anything. He was just a servant. But he still felt sort of annoyed that Kyle was going to complain to him about how badly Cartman treats him when Pip gets regularly treated like a rag doll- or maybe a voodoo doll could be a more appropriate representation of his endurances.

In any case, Pip finished transferring Kyle's things to his room just as Cartman came in. He looked extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY pissed off.

"YOU SLIMEY JEW WHAT THE FUCK YOU KILLED ME!!!" Cartman screamed from the doorway. The Hebrew was quick to rise to his shouts of course.

"WELL YOU SEEMED TO THINK I'D BE GREAT FOOD FOR THE LAVA PIT SO I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW HOW IT FELT!"

"THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BITCH?!?!?"

"YOU SAID HITLER SHOULD HAVE HAD A LAVA PIT!!!"

Cartman glared "I believe my words were more along the lines of Hitler would have WANTED a lava pit like that. And anyway, since when is that an excuse to KILL ME?!"

Kyle returned the glare "You also insulted physical features."

"I said you had a beak nose and a big Jewfro, I didn't say I didn't _like_ them!" Cartman snapped, stamping his foot.

Kyle paused a moment, looking uncertain, but then steeled himself "I don't care. We're broken up. I moved out of our room to this room. Get out"

Cartman's jaw dropped "B-broken- but- b-but…." His eyes bulged "You can't break up with me for THAT!"

"Then what SHOULD I break up with you for hmm? Maybe for a valiant attempt at trashing the Jews on national television, or maybe for just trying to EXTERMINATE us!"

Cartman rolled his eyes "That was almost a YEAR ago Jew, stop being a girl and bringing up the past"

Kyle looked steamed "FORGET IT! GET OUT!" He ran forward and pushed the fat boy into the hall. Cartman pushed back. As they continued into yet another fist fight, Damien entered Kyle's new room.

"So I see they haven't gotten over it yet" Damien observed.

"No, not really" Pip acknowledged.

"So do you actually have anything to move over to my room?" Damien asked, looking around the fairly barren dresser and floor space. Pip shook his head "Good, because my Dad kinda filled my closet with stuff for you"

Pip blinked "Wh-what?"

Damien shook his head "Well he thinks you're a girl and he thinks you'd want a bigger wardrobe so he basically filled it with dresses. Oh well" he grabbed Pip by the hand yet again and dragged him off down the hall to his room.

Pip was certainly surprised at the array of women's wear Satan has seen fit to bestow upon him and he was sure if he was a girl he would truly be delighted with it, but he was ultimately more surprised to discover Damien wished to see him parade about in these outfits.

"Um… are you sure this is how you'd like to spend your evening?" Pip asked hesitantly on his third walk around the room, now wearing a little yellow ball gown that may remind one of beauty and the beast.

How startlingly appropriate, now that I think about it.

"There's nothing on TV" the Satanic boy replied flatly… but not without a smirk.

"… right" Pip sighed and added in a mutter "Well at least it's not fireballs"

The Brit was about to go change into the next outfit for Damien's amusement (I'm assuming this is for his amusement, though I honestly don't see what Damien would find amusing about dressing Pip up like a Barbie doll. Unless it was simply to revel in his humiliation, which was altogether possible) when a sound was heard from outside in the hall. The two glanced at each other before Damien got off his bed where he'd been laying and looked out into the hall.

The sound, incidentally, was singing.

Very loud singing.

Loud, they soon discovered, due to the sheer multitude of demons in the hallway singing, led by a short, fat conductor.

And they were singing 'Daisy Daisy' to Kyle's bedroom door.

"What in hell…" Damien raised an eyebrow.

"Oh! I think Cartman's trying to make up with Kyle!" Pip said gleefully. Honestly it was a pretty cute idea. He clearly seemed to have recruited as many demons as possible to serenade his elusive lover in this song.

_"DAISY, DAISY, GIVE ME YOUR ANSWER DO!"_

"KYLE OPEN THE DOOR!" Cartman yelled over his shoulder as he waved his conductor's baton.

_"I'M HALF CRAZY, ALL FOR THE LOVE OF YOU!"_

"I'm… I'm surprised he went this far" Damien blinked.

_"IT WON'T BE A STYLISH MARRIAGE! FOR I CAN'T AFFORD A CARRIAGE!"_

"Not if I don't get the web store up and running anyway, but we can talk about that later!" Cartman yelled through the door.

_"BUT YOU'LL LOOK SWEET, UPON THE SEAT OF A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO!"_

"NOW OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR JEW!"

"What's going on?" Kyle asked Damien and Pip, coming up behind them with a plate of chocolate chip cookies similar to those he'd shared with Damien on the first day in hell.

Damien glanced at him and snorted "Cartman's trying to win you back"

"Oh…" Kyle said as the demons started from the beginning again… now with Cartman knocking on the bedroom door.

"Um… i-if you were to ask me" Pip said to Kyle hesitantly "I would say you should give him another chance. After all, if you knew what you were getting into when you started dating him, then you really shouldn't get so mad now because he didn't change right away."

Kyle and Damien stared at Pip.

"Um… or something…" Pip blushed "F-forget I said anything!"

"Why are you wearing a ball gown?" Kyle asked.

"Oh, I thought it would look cute on him" Damien blinked.

"Huh?" Kyle and Pip blinked at Damien.

"I thought it would look cute on- well anyway" Damien shrugged "Go get your boyfriend to shut up so I can keep watching my fashion show in piece would you?"

"Fashion show?" Kyle raised an eyebrow "Urg… H-he's not my boyfriend now!"

"KYLE GET OUT HE-" Cartman stopped when he caught sight of the Jew speaking with the Satan spawn and the Brit. He stared a second "… Goddamnit" he marched over to Kyle who looked at him with as much contempt as he could manage "Kyle! I'm fucking sorry okay?! Now come back to my room already!"

"Cartman, you can't just put together a choir and expect that to-"

"KYLE! I SAID I WAS SORRY! How many times do I fucking have to say I'm sorry? Now forgive me already, I thought Jews were good at pussy junk like that!"

Kyle growled "Cartman, I-"

He was cut off by the fat boy assaulting his lips with his own. Kyle grumbled into the assault but didn't bother fighting it off. Cartman drew back to view an unimpressed Jew.

"You are so fucking retarded"

Cartman folded his arms "And you're so fucking stubborn. Stop being such a fucking Jew about this!"

"I AM A JEW CARTMAN!"

Cartman rolled his eyes "Yeah! And I fucking knew that when I started going out with you! And you fucking knew I was a racist bigot!"

"W-well… this is just humiliating! I mean come on, 'Daisy Daisy'?!"

Cartman rolled his eyes "Well I don't know a lot of romantic songs okay?"

Kyle sucked in his cheeks "W-well…" he looked down "Maybe… maybe I could give you one more chance…"

Cartman grinned "Knew you couldn't stay away!"

"Don't push it fat boy" Kyle growled.

Damien rolled his eyes at the scene "Okay great. Now go back to your room and have make up sex." He glared at the demons "AND CLEAR OUT!" they scattered "Come on limey" he grabbed Pip by the wrist.

"Um, Damien, with Kyle returning to his and Cartman's room, will I be going back to my room then or-" he noticed Damien send a small glare over his shoulder at him "Um… I will take that as a no" he was slightly confused as to Damien reaction. Why on earth would he want to share his room with an utterly adorable British boy in a dress?

Okay, he didn't really think the utterly adorable part, I just added that in because he just is adorable. But what have you, Pip was confused. And he also didn't want to have to sleep on cockroaches again.

In Damien's bedroom against Damien directed Pip to the center of the floor and stood back to look at him. Pip blinked. This was a bit awkward.

"Hang on a sec, don't move" the demonic boy said suddenly after a minute's contemplation and dashed from the room, leaving Pip to stand idly wondering what fresh horror awaited him.

Damien returned with a record player. It was clear this would be a horror indeed. Pip was usually an alright dancer, having gone to finishing school to become a gentleman a few years ago. But that was as the male half of a waltz, and certainly not in high heels.

None the less, music played. It was something fast or whatever and Damien was twirling Pip around like he was nothing. It was definitely a weird experience. I really wish I had a reason of Damien's strange behavior. And low and behold I do! Huzzah!

"D-Damien!" Pip gasped as Damien let go at the song's end and Pip fell over on his butt… and tripping on the hem of the dress in the process led to a rather large rip in it "Oh dear! I'm- I'm very sorry! You're father will be furious!"

Damien raised an eyebrow "No, not really. It wasn't really your colour anyway." He scowled "But you have to learn to dance properly!"

Pip blinked "… um, why?"

Damien rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated noise "Because it's my birthday next week, it's going to be on Earth, and if you're going to be my date we have to dance right!"

Pip stared.

And stared.

And stared.

And twitched.

And stared some more.

"… I- you- I'm going to be- your- WHAT?!"

_((Joyful Note: … well here it is. I don't know… I think it was weird even for me. But I've been writing at weird late hours lately due to all the homework I have. That comes first, and fanfic writing is left to whenever hours are at hand. Sorry for slipping quality due to that. On the other hand, good Lord in heaven did I just have Damien ask Pip to his birthday party as a date?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Well actually this is highly explained once my major multi-fic storyline is completed. But at this rate who knows how long that will I've planned between 15 to 17 chapters for this story. May extend, may not. I don't know, we'll see. See ya'll next part, whenever that arises! Lord have mercy, I'M SORRY FOR MY SINS AND FAILURES! Still tired… damn))_


	8. Better Than Worchester Sauce

**A Dip In Hell VIII**

"… I- you- I'm going to be- your- WHAT?!" Pip gasped out, unable to really comprehend what Damien had just said. What he had just said, of course, was that Pip was going to be Damien's date to his satanic birthday party on Earth next week.

"My date. I'm not going to my own birthday without a date!" Damien snapped as if taking Pip was the obvious answer to such a dilemma.

"But, well," Pip was turning red fast and his eyes were wide "Y-you're the Prince of Hell aren't you? Surely you wouldn't have trouble finding a date… maybe a female one…"

Damien glared at Pip "I think it's painfully obvious I'm not into girls"

Pip crossed his arms over his dress "Yes, cross dressing me all the time REALLY speaks to the obvious part of it!"

Damien rolled his eyes "That just means I think you look cute in a dress. Anyway, I have to go make party plans. You have to stay here and learn to dance. When I get back later you'd better at least know how to walk in high heels!" he stormed out. Pip stared after him.

"Well then" Pip blinked after a moment "I, erm, I guess I should probably get to work on that then… after I change out of this dress…" he frowned down at his ripped yellow Belle dress and headed for Damien's closet to get a better look at all the dresses in there.

And really there was at least twenty. Luckily Satan seemed to have invested in Wonder hangers so there was lots of room in there. Those things really work. Anyway, he pulled out a sort of frilly blue dress that, to the best of his knowledge, matched the colour of his eyes. Well maybe that made something his colour. He really didn't know what the criteria for that judgment was exactly. He wished he could, of course, trade in this dress for regular boy clothes but he daren't touch Damien's wardrobe for fear of evoking his wrath, especially when he actually had been acting rather nicer then usual.

Once he'd pulled on the dress (he'd gotten rather better at donning women's clothes after all this time so it didn't take long) and turned on the music to practice the box step on his own, he began to wonder about how he felt about Damien asking him to be his date. Now, obviously he had to have mixed feelings. On the one hand, Damien had been nice to him lately. On the other hand, he had been torturous and murderous previously.

Oh well, it probably didn't matter. It wasn't as if he had a choice in the matter, and with any luck at all Damien would explain further as to why Pip was his date.

Wait… luck… okay so maybe that really wasn't a hopeful. Probably about as hopeful as figuring out what that tattoo on the back of his neck said. He still had no clue. Not that he exactly had a chance since becoming visible again to give it much thought or ask anyone about it.

Pip paused a moment. This might be as good a time as any to find out. He was getting the box step alright in the high heels now, perhaps he could find Cartman and Kyle and ask one of them- he simply hadn't found a way to ask what was on his neck before. Well now he would find out! He headed for Cartman and Kyle's room.

He knocked on the door and it opened immediately. This was odd, usually it took a moment for the two to get their clothes back on. It seemed Kyle hadn't completely forgiven Cartman yet.

"Yeah? Oh, Pip" Kyle said from the doorway, this time without a second glance at Pip's dress "What's up, does Damien want something or…?"

Pip shook his head "N-no, I just was sort of wondering… well you know how Damien tattooed the back of my neck?"

Cartman rolled his eyes from back on the bed "Yeah. What a pussy letdown"

Pip blinked "Erm… well, I was just curious as to what he actually wrote there"

Kyle raised an eyebrow "What, you don't know?"

Pip flushed a little "Um, not really no. I mean, I just haven't had a chance to look. There's never two mirrors anywhere"

"It's stupid" Cartman snorted "It just says 'Property of Damien, Prince of Hell: Demons Keep The Fuck Off'. Like that's even cool"

"Shut up Cartman" Kyle groaned "Anyway yeah, that's all it says. It's sort of weird for Damien I guess, I mean, maybe the fact he's marking you as his property isn't that weird, but the fact he was planning on covering you in offensive shit and then changed his mind was really out of character for him. But if I were you I'd just be glad he changed his mind."

"Oh, thank you" Pip said with a smile and Kyle nodded and closed the door. Pip's smile faded a little and he rubbed the back of his neck uncertainly. This had given him a rather lot to think about.

Back in Damien's room Pip did indeed ponder the information given him. So he was Damien's 'property'. That… that probably wasn't good right? Of course the tattoo apparently also told demons not to torture him. Which was clearly not a bad thing. So what did that mean? He could ask Damien about it but … it seemed a bit… awkward…

Damien then returned to see Pip sitting on his bed, staring at the wall blankly and rubbing the back of his neck. The evil boy raised an eyebrow at this.

"What's up?" he asked.

Pip jumped, he hadn't noticed Damien come in "Oh, I uh- I just-" he bit his lip "I asked Kyle what the tattoo on the back of my neck said and he told me…"

Damien rolled his eyes "Oh. Well I don't need a bunch of demons fucking up stuff that belongs to me"

Pip frowned and crossed his arms self consciously "Well yes, that's what I sort of want to talk to you about. I mean, I appreciate that you don't want demons to torture me and all, but I don't know if I like being considered your property"

Damien scowled "Well what else would you be? You're my slave!"

Pip's eyes widened "N-no, I'm your maid I suppose but-"

"Oh come on, do I pay you or let you leave?"

"… no"

"Right. You're my slave. Now did you learn to walk in high heels or not?!"

Pip glared and got to his feet and showed how he'd learned by marching towards Damien in a rather pissed manner "And that's another thing! Why on earth do you have such an insatiable desire to see my in woman's wear?! It's completely demeaning to me, and even if you ARE gay this is highly inappropriate, you're nine years old!"

Damien scoffed "Are you that retarded? I'm way older then that! I don't age in hell but that doesn't stop years from passing, I'm going to be 116 next week (hence the major party)"

Pip blinked in surprise "Oh. Uh, I didn't know…"

Damien rolled his eyes again "Duh. You're a stupid mortal limey. Well I guess not mortal now that you're dead… whatever. Anyway, I do age when I'm on Earth so my Dad makes me go up sometimes so I can age a bit until I finally reach twenty. He says when my body gets that old I can start training to help him actually rule hell, but that's not going to be for a few hundred more years"

Pip cocked his head to one side "Then… then technically you _are_ nine, just sort of stuck at nine…"

Damien shrugged "Maybe"

Pip shook his head "Well, that doesn't help the fact that, well, you asked me to be your date and I don't know exactly what your intentions by that are!" he finally snapped out the biggest issue here.

Damien looked at him for a while. Pip chewed on the inside of his cheek and started to get self conscious before the Satan spawn spoke again "Well we have to practice dancing so we can show up all those other stupid couples who are going to be there. You're right here and easy to practice with cause I can make you"

Pip stared for a moment, then sighed. Yeah, that made sense. Why did he feel slightly disappointed…? He brushed it off and sighed again "Okay Damien. Let's practice then"

And so Damien wasted no time turning the music back on and steering the Brit around his bedroom rather skillfully.

"Wh-where'd you learn to dance anyway?" Pip gasped as Damien spun him and dipped him nearly to the floor.

Damien replied as he pulled Pip back up again "My Dad hosts dance parties all the time, it's hard not to pick things up. Plus there's lots of dancers in hell obviously and they give tips so…"

"Ah, yes." Pip was danced to the other side of the room "You're, erm, very good at it"

Damien shrugged and suddenly picked up the Brit out of nowhere and tossed him in the air. Pip let out a shriek but Damien caught him easily on the way down "I guess. You kinda suck though"

Pip frowned "Well I haven't exactly had 116 years to practice"

Damien seemed to regard Pip with some thought (that boy does think a lot, we must give him that) as the song ended "Yeah… does that make me a pedophile?"

"Um, only about as much as Edward Cullen… and I guess that's accepted among many deranged preteens so…" Pip pondered, then suddenly realized "Wait, pedophile?! D-Damien, you don't, erm… l-like me… do you?"

Damien raised an eyebrow "I don't think so… but you do look cute in dresses. I don't know" he seemed to fall into thought again. This was awkward because no music was playing but Damien was still holding Pip as he was when he was dancing. And he was staring at him. Pip felt a lot of red creep into his face.

But Pip was saved it seemed when the door of Damien's room opened and Satan appeared.

"Hey Damien, did you say you wanted vanilla or chocolate frosting on your ca- oh. Am I interrupting…?"

Damien jolted back from Pip and faced his Dad… with a touch of pink in his cheeks? Maybe it was the light "No! And I said chocolate! Fudge! Damn!"

Satan blinked "Uh… okay! And don't forget to get the guest list finished off soon, we need to send out invites at least 72 hours in advance!"

"I know!" Damien rolled his eyes "Just make sure you got the dance hall booked and ready and decorated! Reds and blacks. Now I'm trying to get Pip to dance properly so get out!"

"Alright son!" Satan smiled and skipped away.

Pip scratched his arm a little "Um… you're father is a bit… different then I would imagine the Lord of Hell to be…"

Damien shrugged "Is that really a bad thing?"

"No…"

"Then don't question it"

"Righto"

Damien sighed and put his arms behind his head "Well anyway… you probably aren't too bad at dancing. I need to get the guest list done… all the kids at South Park elementary I guess. And… I don't know… should I just tell them to invite whoever else they want to come?"

Pip thought that question might've been directed at him "Well… that might be a lot of people… maybe you could limit it to one outside guest per person just to prevent people from overflowing in whatever establishment you've rented?"

"Yeah…" Damien nodded "Well that's it then. I'll go tell Dad. You get down to the kitchen and get dinner"

"Oh, yes, what do you want?" Pip asked as Damien headed for the door.

"Barbecue spare ribs. And be quick about it bringing it back up here!" Damien scowled and left. Pip followed him into the hall and then went for the kitchen.

When he got into he realized that the kitchen did not have a barbecue. This was a problem. You see one thing about this kitchen is that if you wanted some sort of dish you had to get it out of whatever part of the kitchen you would get such a thing out of. Technically, he could get raw ribs from the freezer but…

"Oh wait, I know!" Pip said with a stroke of brilliance and opened the fridge while thinking of LEFTOVER spareribs. Those came out right off. Then he quickly went to the microwave and popped them in for a while and in the meantime he went around the kitchen until he'd acquired a nice plate of bangers and mash (which is, incidentally, absolutely delicious. I totally recommend it. It's sausages in mashed potatoes. Them Brits know how to LIVE!) which he consumed part of until the ribs were done. He removed them from the microwave and hurried upstairs carrying both plates. In high heels.

And Damien had just opened the bedroom door to see where Pip was.

Sometimes I think the gods have something against poor little British boys. I really do.

"AH!" Pip screamed. This is the term usually used to describe the sensation of a smack in the face followed by a dowsing in hot edibles.

"Pip! What the hell?!" Damien snapped glaring down at his shirt. Pip, sauce and potatoes dripping from his hair and blood from his nose, noticed a sausage had gone wild and flung itself in a suicidal lunge onto Damien's shirt. This appeared to be what had irked Damien beyond his normal laughter at Pip's unnatural knack at hurting himself.

"Well, you opened the door!" Pip tried to justify as he struggled to his feet and reached for the sausage that seemed to be offending Damien.

"Well you obviously weren't watching where you were going!" Damien growled as the Brit picked off the sausage. Damien blinked and the stain vanished. If only you could bottle that and sell it on Earth. It would sell better then Chipotle-away I'm telling you.

Stain gone, Damien looked at Pip (who was in a right state) and actually smirked a bit. He reached out, trialed his finger over his face, got it covered in sauce, potatoes and blood.

And he popped it in his mouth.

Cue my gag reflex. Give me a second, I can get through writing this…

He popped this in his mouth and grinned at the startled limey boy.

"Heh, better then Worchester Sauce"

Pip blinked, blushed, and wondered that was supposed to mean. This however was verrrrrrry unlikely to be explained.

_((Joyful Note: S'up? Yes I am actually updating sooner then a month after my last update! I'm on fire now. . no…. Well anyway. I want to tell all of you, if you see a part that slips in quality TELL ME!!I need to know this info so as to spend more time beefing up my next part before distribution. I guess it's a two edged sword. Say I slip and you get better, longer quality, but it'll take longer for an update. Oh well. I explained the tattoo! I felt I'd better get it out now before people start thinking it's something really awesome…))_


	9. Pip's Going to a Paaaaarty!

**A Dip in Hell IX**

The week passed quickly enough. Pip did not find out anything else of interest during the time that went by so I see no reason going over it in detail. At this moment, Pip found himself giving another fashion show for Damien, only this time it was because the Satan spawn was trying to decide what he wanted people to see on his arm when they entered the dance hall. Pip didn't mind Damien picking his outfit for him, it was certainly a lot of pressure off.

Still, he did think Damien should've been having this fashion show the night before his birthday, rather then the day of. As things were going he was edging on being late to his own party.

"Damien, I've pranced about in all the dresses at least twice, surely you can make a decision!" Pip cried in protest. He wasn't too worried about being killed, Damien seemed determined to have him as a date so he wouldn't kill him this close to departure, and it seemed unlikely that he'd cause him any major physical damage if he wanted to impress anyone.

Damien did scowl at Pip, even if he didn't attack him and that was a bit intimidating, but Pip actually found himself getting used to this look so he didn't waver at it. This didn't please Damien, but it left him with no choice but to answer him "Fine! I guess… I guess the red one. It'll match the décor. And don't rip this one!"

Pip sighed "That's the first one I put on…" he went to the red dress (think… think queen of hearts sort of dress… no white collar. And… and more red and black… shit. I don't know how to describe my inner vision! Okay, so it's floor length ballroom-ish, with puffy shoulders. Right.) and scrambled back into it. Damien seemed fairly satisfied for a moment, then frowned.

"Hmm…" he circled Pip in thought. Pip made an annoyed sounded and folded his arms.

"What is it now?"

Damien sucked in his cheek "I think you're missing something."

"What?"

Damien stared at him steadily for a moment, then dived for his dresser drawer. Pushing aside some random junk, he pulled out a black rope with a silver thing dangling from it. He went back to Pip and draped it around his neck. Pip looked down and saw the silver thing was a pentagram.

"Oh! It's, erm, lovely!" Pip said, a bit bewildered.

"Yeah just don't scratch it. That'll let out the demon trapped inside it and it'll eat your soul" Damien said darkly. Pip's mouth dropped open.

"W-WHAT?!"

Damien laughed "I'm kidding! It won't eat your soul. It'll just kill you and then go on a murder spree, and you're already dead so that's nothing right?" he grinned as if this was definitely okay. Pip was horrified. But, he supposed he could keep the small silver pentagram from getting scratched, it seemed pretty solid anyway. And if it looked dangerous he could always slip it inside his dress.

"You still don't look quite right…" Damien sighed "Let's try some more tissue paper."

Pip gaped "But I'm already at a B-cup, any more I'll just look silly!"

Damien shot a patronizing look and Pip flushed. Of course he already looked a bit silly. It really wouldn't be that much of a difference. Once he was 'stuffed up' a bit more and checked himself in the mirror, he supposed he didn't look _too_ bad. But the red and black dress really didn't go with his complexion at all. He gave Damien a questioning look. The black haired boy did not seem pleased.

"Goddamn it… well you can't wear blue, you'll clash terribly! Damn it damn it damn it…." He started to pace a bit. Apparently he was trying to think a way around this. Pip glanced back in the mirror.

"Ah… suppose I wore… f-foundation. If my skin was a little darker… or lighter… or something… maybe that would help? O-of course then you'd have my hair but—"

"No, no, foundation isn't going to save it at this point" the evil boy sighed "Maybe… maybe the darker brown… oh but that's too plain! God! Why does this have to be so damn hard?!"

Pip looked alarmed at Damien tearing at his hair in frustration "Oh please, I-I'm sure no one will care, I-"

" **I** care! And THAT'S what's important!" Damien stomped his foot. Then his head jerked up. He twitched, then sighed "Fine, there's nothing else for it… damn…" he grumbled and left the room. Pip was left to look at himself in the mirror again. He supposed he of course didn't look his best, but surely he wasn't so terrible to look at that they would have to get him changed and risk lateness any more so then they already were.

But Damien returned soon and Pip gaped at the dress he held. Remember Cinderella's fairy godmother dress? This was that dress. Complete with sparkles. I'm not even kidding.

"Oh! It's beautiful!" Pip gasped wide eyed before he could stop himself. Damien's scowl deepened for a second, then he rolled his eyes.

"It's the only thing you'll look good in that's fancy enough. Even if it does clash with the decorations. And it has to sparkle or else it'll look tacky among the rest of it. With sparkles it'll seem like more of a social statement or something maybe. I don't know, but put it on" he shoved the dress in Pip's arms. Pip sighed, took it to the bathroom, and changed.

This time when he came out and saw himself in the mirror (the pentagram was actually still on, Damien had insisted but none the less) he actually thought for a moment he was looking at a girl. Of course he wasn't, it was still just him, but he looked so fem it was verrrrrry difficult to tell him from female. Most would have to squeeze the tissue breasts to know for sure.

Damien seemed to have gotten over the colour not matching the décor and was nodding approvingly with a smile. Pip found himself feeling elated by Damien's approval… until he saw Damien was next to a make-up tray. And some jewelry. It seemed they would be going all the way with this.

… NO! NOT LIKE THAT! You sickos.

So Pip was blushed, lipsticked (lightly, a soft pink, nothing clowny), mascaraed, and was decked in a silver chain (the pentagram was tucked inside the dress now, Damien had now told Pip that if he took it off at this point it was automatically count as 'scratched'. Pip was rather horrified naturally at this revelation), silver bracelets, a tiara with crystals, and… earrings. That's right. Damien pierced Pip's ears right there in his bedroom. The Brit was not amused.

"OUCH! OW! Oh dear, oh dear it hurts!" Pip shrieked and clutched his stinging lobes.

Damien rolled his eyes "You _do_ know five year olds get this done right?" he muttered as he made the holes stop bleeding so he could insert the diamond earrings.

"I'm certain you're supposed to numb the ears first or something! That's what they did on The Parent Trap!"

"Well it's over, so don't get your panties in a bunch, I have to get in my tux" Damien muttered and left the room and Pip. Pip sighed and moaned softly, rubbing his sore ears. Well Damien may not have laughed at his pain for a while now, but that didn't stop him from causing it.

Though it had taken Damien close to two hours to be happy with Pip's attire, it only took his ten minutes to come out in his own little tuxedo. It was pitch black, with a blood red bow tie that matched his eyes perfectly when they were enraged. Lovely. No, no I'm serious, it was lovely. He was a frikken gorgeous little nine year old and all the little girls from South park elementary would soon be swooning all over him.

But Damien had his Cinderella. And as if to prove his point, when he came to collect Pip for the party, he brought him a pair of glass slippers.

Uuuh…. They actually didn't fit Pip, and Damien got pissed over that and ended up having to get Pip regular high heels. Make of that what you will.

So once that minor fiasco was dealt with, Damien and Pip went to fetch Kyle and Cartman. Neither of whom, for your information, was actually wearing a dress. Cartman had suggested that he might make a very convincing girl. He blushed and glared at Kyle's insane laughter, and then then told him that fine, he could be the girl. Then Kyle glared, there was another fist fight and then the Jew finally rationalized with him and convinced him neither really had to be 'the girl', in any dress wearing sense. The fat ass finally agreed after a little more fighting, and soon they were dressed.

Coincidently, they'd just finished tying their ties when Damien and Pip entered. Then they four headed outside where Satan was waiting to drive them all to earth in a hearse driven by coal black steeds. The only way to travel, really. I mean it, for most of you reading this, once you've ridden in a hearse once, odds are you'll never ride in anything else again.

Ah ha ha ha ha…. Man I kill. Really.

*sigh* I know! Bad jokes, not sensitive, I've heard this before, don't give me a hard time, if youd've thought of it youd've used it too! Don't try to deny it! And now we move on.

*****

Kyle did mention that Pip looked very… feminine. Pip didn't know if that was a compliment or an insult, or what it was. But he decided it really didn't matter and had also decided that ultimately his goal that night was to survive for one thing, and for another to at least _try_ to have some fun.

As it turned out, they were only about twenty minutes late, which wasn't so bad. Already there was a fair dance floor set up and Pip recognized many kids from his school in there being served by demons in waiters' uniforms. When Damien entered, Satan came beforehand and presented him to a round of applause. This sort of broke up a little when they saw Pip enter behind him. Pip flushed majorly at this and did not make eye contact with anyone.

Damien noticed this and gave him a bit of a smack on the head for being so distant. He was supposed to look frikken HAPPY to be the date of the prince of hell! Well honestly Pip couldn't say he was _un_ happy per-say, but he really couldn't help being shy in this situation. He would've pointed this out if the smack hadn't started a spasm of frantic whispers among the guests. Damien's eyes widened a bit in surprise. He then laughed a bit under his breath, ruffled Pip's hair and then whispered in his ear.

"They don't recognize you, they think you're actually some hot chick I picked up and think I'm some sort of wife beater now. Not that I care, but I have to say I fucking rule at make overs."

"… great" Pip said stiffly as Damien steered him towards the buffet. Kyle and Cartman went straight from Kenny and Stan.

That's right. The blond and brunet were there _together_. We all knew this foursome was so close they were bound to all date each other eventually. Pip saw Kenny's arm slung leisurely around Stan's shoulders and Cartman press a kiss to Kyle's cheek. Stan twitched, Kyle blushed, and Wendy spilled his fruit punch all over Token's tux. Excitement!

"Quit staring at people" Damien snapped quietly and grabbed Pip's hand to lead him onto the dance floor, ignoring his eeps of protest.

So Pip soon found himself swept into a fast paced dance that he had practiced with Damien previously. Luckily Damien was a very forceful partner so Pip really didn't have to pay too much attention to what he was doing. Instead he could focus on the fact that he and Damien had become the center of attention as he twirled across the floor. It seemed, too, that Kyle and Cartman (well Cartman anyway) had spread the word as to Pip's true gender, and kids were rather surprised, but more because Pip looked _good_ dressed as a girl, rather then the fact that he was dressed as a girl at all.

Apparently Pip looked like a cross dresser to them. Why? Don't know, don't care. He probably was just fem. Oh well.

So after a while dancing, pip wasn't sure how long, Damien deposited his tiring partner at a table with Cartman (who was pigging out on buffet items) and Kyle (who was watching Cartman's devourment with a look of mixed awe and disgust) and went off to talk to Craig and those guys.

"So, uh," Kyle said, turning his attention off his fat assed boyfriend with difficulty and looked at Princess Pip "Having fun with Damien?"

Pip was a bit startled at being addressed "Oh! Uh. Well. I-I suppose…" he thought about this a moment "I suppose… I _am_ having fun!" Pip's mouth twitched upward "I-I mean, well, aside from a few small smacks, Damien's been much nicer then usual. Though I am still rather wondering why Damien would choose me as his date when surely he could find another."

Cartman laughed "Are you kidding dude? Damien totally has boner for you!"

"W-what?!" Pip jolted up straight in his seat.

Kyle frowned "Well, he is acting nicer to you, right? I mean, that's gotta be a sign of something"

Pip's eyes widened, and he looked down "I-well…" he found, to his surprise, a small smile creeping over his features. Damien… legitimately? Well, he _was_ acting nicer… so perhaps…

Damien came back at this point. Pip looked up, with a smile. But it was dark in there and Damien didn't really notice.

"Come on" he said grabbing Pip's hand and pulling him outside, motioning for people to follow. Craig and those guys were already coming. Pip didn't notice the motioning. For the first time, maybe it was the atmosphere, but he felt butterflies erupting when Damien touched him and saw nothing else.

They were outside in the moonlight. Damien placed Pip on a bit of grass and a crowd gathered around. Now Pip noticed, and his smile faded a little.

"Uh, Damien? What are you doing?" he asked with a growing sense that something wasn't quite right here.

"Okay you guys, right after this is presents so better have got me some fucking good stuff!" Damien grinned. Pip made a small gasp, he'd totally spaced on that. He had no gift! Well, Damien hadn't told him to get him one, but surely it was expected…

"AAAAAAIIIIIII!!!!!" Pip's chain of worried thought was interrupted by his own screams at he was shot into the hair, and felt himself burnt by explosions around his head. He remembered this feeling. It happened last time Damien had made him into a firework.

Back then Pip had of course tried to be his friend and Damien turned him into a firework. And now he was his date and made into a firework. So on his way down from the sky in a fireball, Pip was feeling rather hurt and betrayed. Maybe it was silly to imagine this time would be different, but now it was too late.

And by the time Pip was pulling himself up, the crowd already having cheered at the explosions and dispersed, he was left seeing Damien walking back inside with the others.

Pip really may have gone over to Damien and lost his temper completely.

Unfortunately the pentagram scratched on the way down.

I'll let you imagine the painful death that ensued as the belle of the ball plunged back to hell before even cake was served.

*****

Damien walked back outside a moment later to see the pentagram demon tossing Pip's corpse to the ground. Since technically Pip was already dead, the body faded from view as it hit the grass. Damien's jaw dropped, and then he looked seriously ticked off.

"Fuck! I thought he'd take a second longer to come down…" Damien muttered and then dispatched of the demon back into the pentagram (which was lying on the ground) with a wave of his hand and a flash of his eyes "Now I have to go get that asshole! DAD! HEY DAD!" Damien yelled, going back inside to find his dad to drive him back to hell to get his date back.

*****

Pip of course didn't know Damien had returned for him. He expected the demonic child had simply allowed him to die as per usual. And little Pip was pissed as he in his ball gown arrived in hell once again. He immediately tore off the tiara and jewelry and threw them to the ground. Then he marched off into the depths of hell again.

"FUCK DAMIEN! HE IS A FUCKING DICK! I'M NOT GOING BACK TO HIM!" Pip screamed as he marched.

This was actually a good thing. Even demons stay away from torturing crazy, angry screaming transsexuals in ragged ballroom gowns.

_((Joyful Note: So that's it for now! Drama drama drama. I don't know. Hope you liked it, I updated quick this time! Huzzah! Well quick for me… okay I have to go! It's midnight and I have work tomorrow! Peace out!))_


	10. Damien Looks for Pip

**A Dip In Hell X**

Damien wasted no time getting to hell. Because, unlike when someone dies in Hell and it takes 2 hours for them to show up with the new arrivals, if you die on earth the transfer is immediate. Why? The hell should I know? Geez.

However, as fast as Damien went, Pip was long gone by the time he reached the New Arrival area. He groaned and jumped out of the hearse (telling his Dad to wait, Satan didn't mind) and proceeded to go around asking if anybody had seen a guy dressed like Cinderella after a nuclear fallout. Luckily, lots of people had seen him. He was raging so loudly everyone in a 2 mile radius must've heard him. Unfortunately that 2 mile radius had headed Southward and faded out about half an hour before. Damien really would've just committed suicide the get to hell faster if that were even possible for him. But no, immortals have to do very special procedures to commit suicide and their souls are virtually destroyed so, no the best option. He had to make due with the long ride in a hearse. A shame as we cut to what Pip had gotten himself into.

Specifically, a rebellion.

*****

"S-so. Erm, you fellows want to stage a coup on the Lord of Hell and his house then?" Pip asked the group of people before him. They consisted pretty much of that crew from the ship Satan had an orgy with and the two angry Frenchmen who beat Pip with breadsticks previously.

"Oui. We will keeck heez ass!" Pierre said gruffly. Apparently, neither recognized Pip from before. A small mercy.

"Well… why?" Pip asked cocking his head to one side. His rage was still there mind, he'd simply seen a sign advertising La Resistance Against Those Pussy Hell Ruling Bastards and decided that it would be the perfect thing to join.

"Well…" Jean Claude glanced at Pierre "Eets, eets just what we French do you see? We never let enyt'ing oppress us!"

"And Satan kicked us out of the house!" one of the ship mates growled.

"We just suggested adding a few animals, we didn't know Satan wasn't into bestiality!"

"Or cannibalism. We thought the Lord of Hell would be less of a PUSSY!" the helmsmen beat his hand on the floor (they were sitting cross legged in a circle inside an abandoned warehouse- classy right?)

"… right then" Pip said blinking.

"So why do you want revenge against Satan?" the captain asked Pip curiously.

"Oh! Well, it's not Satan actually, it's more his son, Damien" Pip scowled here "He's been treating me horribly since day one, which I suppose isn't so bad really, this being hell and all. But today he just went too far!"

"Well uh, what deed he do?" Jean Claude questioned.

Pip sighed "He made me be his date for his birthday on earth. And then just when I was starting to think maybe he actually liked me he turns me into a firework again! And then I die and end up back in hell, without any cake even!"

All the others sat up and took notice at this.

"He WHAT?!" Pierre gasped.

"W-without CAKE?! Are you SERIOUS?! No wonder you're pissed! Anyone would be!' the helmsman gaped at Pip, who was now blushing dreadfully over this attention.

"You must be the most pissed of all of us! NO CAKE?! My God…" the captain breathed "Well you can lead our charge young lady!"

Pip considered correcting him, but then basically decided to fuck it in regards to the other matter. That matter being that he hadn't a clue as to how to lead charge "Uh, well I don't really have experience in that area…"

"Well you just run in first, take out the worst of the army, that's all!" the first mate smiled. Pip's eyes widened.

"Erm… what?"

"Don't worry, we'll be right behind you!"

Pip was uncertain about this plan.

*****

"So you're _sure_ an angry British transvestite came down this street?" Damien asked out the window of the hearse to an old man on a street corner.

"Yessireebob yeah. 'e was runnin' up 'ere like a ragin' comet I tells ya. Screamin' profanities and stuff about a betrayin' son of a bitch. Heh heh" the old guy girnning toothlessly.

"Fucking idiot" Damien muttered and then motioned his father to go on driving. He didn't like the looks of this, a lot of dead criminals and gang members hung out in this part of hell…

*****

"So let's get a move on, we'll camp near the mansion. If Damien's at his party, we'll wait for them to get home, and attack!" Pierre announced to cheers of agreement. Pip found himself jostled out onto the street, into a car, and was soon being driven out of the 'badass part' of hell. In fact, they passed right by Damien's hearse. But by some strange coincidence, there was an explosion overhead caused by Amelia Earhart reenacting her horrifying, tail spinning death so everyone was looking up at the time and didn't see each other.

So Pip was well away when Damien followed his trail to the warehouse and it went cold.

"SHIT!" Damien stamped his foot "This is BULLSHIT! So he got in a black car- that's all we know? There's tons of black cars in car! FUCK!"

"Now there son, no need for that tone" Satan said carefully "I'm sure we can find your date. She probably just joined the uprising and is heading to storm the mansion as we speak. We'll just go there"

Damien rolled his eyes "Yeah probably, I fucking hate uprisings. This is the 4th one in the past six months…"

*****

Pip had a machine gun shoved into his hands and was sent to patrol the area. Nervously the Brit complied to his new comrades. Apparently they had no quams about sending a supposed girl into the brawl first. This was actually a good thing probably as we'll find out right after Satan and son have a nice little heartfelt talk.

Please keep your vomit buckets at the ready. I don't know where this may go so I'll have my vomit bucket by me too.

*****

"Hey… Dad?" Damien asked after a few moments of silence in the hearse.

"Yes son?" Satan asked in surprise. Damien usually was moodily quiet during car trips.

"Um… why… why do you think Pip keeps trying to run away?" Damien asked uncomfortably.

Satan blinked "Well… I don't really know. I don't usually see you two together… but maybe she doesn't like your torturing?"

Damien shrugged "Well how else am I supposed to treat my slave?"

"Well… are you sure you want Miss Pip as a slave?" Satan glanced in the rear view mirror at his son "And not as anything… else?"

Damien raised an eyebrow "Like what?"

"Well, I thought that the reason you're so adamant to keep hurting Pip was because you liked her"

Damien rolled his eyes "Of course I like Pip! I thought that was fucking obvious!"

"Well… most people don't really like being tortured and don't consider it a very good way to show your affection" Satan said with a frown.

Damien glared "Well what else am I supposed to do?!"

Satan glanced out the window with a dreamy look in his eyes and a silly smile on his face "Well, you go to the movies together and you put your arm around her, or you give her flowers, or you give her compliments-"

"I SAID Pip looked good in his dress!"

"Well-" Satan stopped, and when I say that he screeched the hearse to a halt and turned around to stare at Damien "Did… did you said ' _his_ ' dress?"

Damien cocked his head to one side "Well yeah, I mean, Pip's a guy…"

"… so you're gay?"

Damien snorted "Duh"

Satan grinned, cheered, and threw a fist in the air "YES! YES I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN! BOO YA!" he screeched his tires and took off down the road again, talking at top speed "I always hoped you'd turn out like your old man! I mean I know you're the butch but damn I would have NO idea how to relate to a straight son1 And I was always afraid you might be ashamed of me but-"

"Ashamed? For you being gay? I think I have a lot better reasons to be ashamed of you besides that" Damien scoffed.

Satan didn't seem to hear him and was humming happily "Well I love you son!"

Damien sighed, stared out the window and flushed a little when he muttered "Love you too, Dad"

OH GOD! *spews*

Goddamn it…

*****

Pip was peering into one of the mansion's windows to see if anyone was home yet when he was grabbed from behind.

"OW!" Pip yelped as his arm was twisted behind him and the machine gun fell to the ground.

"Did… did you…" he heard sputtered behind him "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WITH ALL YOUR JEWELRY?! That stuff was fucking expensive!"

Pip recognized the voice and stopped struggling, but he glared at the brick wall "I threw it away because I'm done with your abuse! I-I can live with torture but, when you're going to build up my hopes and then send me back to hell, before even cake or-"

"Well I came back didn't I? They can't have cake till I blow out the candles so let's get up to the surface before dawn and all my dead guests get sent back to hell!" Damien snapped.

Pip blinked in surprise "Well… well… then why send me here to start with?!"

Damien groaned "I miscalculated how long it'd take for you to hit the ground okay? Fuck… you're dress is totally screwed too. Well too late to do anything-"

"I'm not going back Damien! Let go!" Pip screamed and thrashed about.

"ATTACK MEN!" came a french accent and a grenade was thrown through the air and landed right next to Pip and Damien.

"… the fuck?" Damien blinked just as it went off and basically set fire to everything.

Now… obviously this didn't effect Damien in the slightest. He was immortal after all. Satan quickly rounded up the attackers and bashed their heads in and sent them all to hell prison (a really terrible place lemme tell ya) but as that was going on Damien was quickly dowsing the flames on Pip. But as the Brit fell to the ground, he noticed he wasn't breathing. But he wasn't quite dead yet. Damien remembered his swimming class and-

Wait for it-

That's right. Damien preformed CPR on barely conscious Pip.

This is usually for unconscious people I know, but I think Damien might've done it on purpose… this is just my theory though. I form it based on how he admitted he likes Pip so I don't think I need to excuse his strange behavior now. Which makes things much easier.

But CPR sort of fails when your ribs are burnt and melting into your lungs so that didn't help. Pip was quite red though when he slipped back into oblivion. Though that might've been scorched flesh I'll admit.

*****

When Pip reappeared with the new arrivals 2 hours later, he originally was going to take a walk and think things over before deciding if he wanted to go back to Damien's after all. But that plan was quickly nixed when he noticed Damien was sitting on a rock and glaring at him.

Awe… he was waiting for him! That's so sweet! (I know I know, I shouldn't fangirl my own story but goddamn that just seemed adorable to me! GEEZ!)

"Oh… Damien" Pip felt a slight blush creep into his cheeks and he looked away. Damien walked over. Pip noticed he was holding Pip's previously discarded jewelry.

"You're lucky this stuff burns everybody except people I specifically give it too or you would've owed me big time" the evil boy scowled "Not to mention even if we left right now we'd get back to the party just in time for the sun to come up! I didn't even get presents! You wrecked my birthday, I hope you're fucking happy!"

Pip shuffled his feet and sighed "I-I didn't mean to wreck your birthday… I'm sorry. I was… I was mad but… I-" his blush deepened "I guess I just sort of felt you didn't really care, but you spent your whole birthday looking for me in hell so, so I guess that means you do care!"

"Of course I care! Damn it!" Damien growled, grabbed Pip's shoulders, and kissed him square on the lips.

Pip's eyes flew open and he screamed and fell back on his butt. He stared up at Damien gaping.

"You- but- I- D-Dam- I- OH MY GOODNESS!" Pip gasped and ran his fingers over his mouth in total shock.

"Now get up, we may as well go wait at the house for Cartman and Kyle to get back…" Damien smirked "And I got you another outfit I think will look even better on you!"

"Oh, l-lovely" Pip said defeatedly as Damien grabbed his arm and pulled him up before steering him in the direction of… home.

"Oh, by the way" Damien added as they went "While you were dead, Kenny died at the party and brought some cake with him to hell. I saved you a piece"

Pip was surprised, but definitely not displeased with the gesture.

_((Joyful Note: Ooh, I think they're officially a couple now! I hope I didn't screw this up… I'm happy with it so I'm afraid that means everyone else will hate it because when I'm nervous about it people seem to love it. Oh well! It's staying like this. I hope I don't get murdered.))_


	11. Disneyland Hell

**A Dip In Hell XI**

Pip could still taste the chocolate cake when Damien showed him his 'new outfit'. This was probably bad. He had to work to keep it down and soon was choking on spittle, to Damien's slight annoyance.

You see, this outfit was… well okay remember Jasmine from Aladdin's outfit? Go there, only make it more see through then ever before. With that little veil in the face thing. It seems Damien had some fantasy he wanted to re enact.

Anybody else getting the feeling Damien was a Disney-raised hell child?

Pip considered begging to be allowed not to wear this scanty new outfit, but he knew that such a request would be futile, not to mention probably damaging to his person, so he took the clothes from the smirking evil child and went into Damien's bathroom to change.

Damien discovered that this outfit was rather delicate rather fast as he managed to rip the inside of one leg as he shoved his foot into it. He let out a squeak and was much more careful putting on the Jasmine outfit after that. Luckily the tear was small so hopefully Damien wouldn't notice Pip had wrecked yet another of his Disney Princess outfits. He did seem to be going through them.

He came out of the bathroom and saw Damien lying on his bed, dressed normally as usual. He never seemed to feel the need to dress himself up, only to use Pip as his personal Barbie doll. Damien looked up at the Brit and grinned.

"You look fucking adorable in that" he seemed to have no qualms about complimenting Pip now that he'd admitted he liked him. This was still unexpected for Pip though obviously, so his cheeks lit up like Christmas lights.

"Oh, erm… th-thank you Damien" Pip muttered, not meeting his eyes.

"Now get that fan from my dresser and we're going outside so you can fan me" Damien jumped up from the bed and headed for his door. Pip blinked, sighed, and glanced over at the fan. It was rather heavy-looking, but this was better then torture he supposed. They headed outside. Kenny seemed to be out there already, milling about in a lawn chair next to a random palm tree.

"Oh, Kenny?" Pip blinked "I would've thought you'd've tried to get back to the party straight away…"

Kenny shrugged "That's okay, I can stick it out down here for a while."

Damien glared. Kenny seemed to be in his spot. "I think you'd prefer being at the party"

Kenny seemed to grin (it's hard to tell through a parka) and cocked his head to one side "Why on earth would I prefer a party to your smiling face Damien?"

Damien's eyes flashed red. Kenny turned into a platypus and back again.

"Goddamn FINE! I know when I'm not wanted" Kenny rolled his eyes and got out of the chair. Damien took his seat and motioned Pip over. The limey boy positioned himself and began to fan as Damien laid back in a state of apparent relaxation. Lucky evil bastard.

After roughly 15 minutes Pip's arms were getting rather tired. Luckily, as it turned out, the party up top had just reached daybreak and Cartman and Kyle were sent back to hell. It was about 10 more minutes before they came into view of Damien's house but still.

"Okay let's go!" Damien said jumping up and grabbing Pip's wrist.

"Go where?" Kyle asked in confusion as he approached.

"Well I missed my party, we're doing SOMETHING cool for my birthday! Even if it is a day late…" Damien glared at Pip who's eyes widened in slight fear, but he discovered he was starting to actually get used to Damien's glares.

"So what are we doing?" Cartman asked deadpan.

"We're going to Disneyland Hell" Damien smiled.

There was silence.

"… killer" Cartman blinked.

*****

I think I should probably explain a few things about Disneyland Hell.

Now obviously, this was built when Walt Disney himself moved down to the lower world. It has more or less all the traditional Disney rides, along with some Hell-based ones. And the Haunted House? Waaaaay more realistic then on Earth. But seriously, Disneyland Hell isn't a torturous environment. Other then the lines of course, those are really long. But everyone's already dead, they have eternity to wait, so it's not so bad. It's a popular place to go on your days off.

And it's even better if you're with Damien, prince of Hell because he doesn't wait in any goddamn lines. It's a good thing.

"Sweet dude!" Kyle laughed as Damien marched them to the front of the queue for Space Mountain.

"Dude, you have to come back with us to South Park, I never want to stand in lines again" Cartman said with a contented sigh as the group got into the roller coaster car. Damien and Pip were in front with Cartman and Kyle in back. I don't know if you've ridden Space Mountain before, but it's set up so one person is more or less between the person behind them's legs in each seat which fits 2 people… at least that's how I remember it. And that's how it's set up in Disneyland Hell. So deal. Pip was riding it out much closer to Damien then ever before and he couldn't seem to get his cheeks to dull from cherry red.

This would be bad enough of a strain on poor Pip's nerves, but he never was very good with roller coasters as he discovered on that one trip to the amusement park he took when Kyle, Stan and Cartman were in search of a fourth friend. So he really had every reason to throw up as the train headed for the top of the first hill.

"No thanks, I want to draw out my pre-adolescence for another decade or so" Damien smirked as they tipped over the edge. Pip screamed and was pushed back into Damien as they plummeted downwards. When they got off, Pip was shaking like a leaf and Damien seemed to find this both amusing and endearing as he laughed and held Pip's hand as they went for the next ride (passing Steve Irwin giving Donald Duck an autograph).

And so they went through the Magic Kingdom rides in this fashion, scaring the trousers off the unfortunate Pip and ultimately risking the shredding of his Jasmine uniform from the backside out. But somehow he suffered through it- even the Haunted Mansion, despite Damien refusing to allow him to cover his face with his hands throughout it. Pip had to make do with squeezing his eyes shut, and to be honest that really doesn't seem as effective a means of blotting out scaring things as covering them with hands, blankets, pillows and small dogs. I should know.

Anyway, they stopped at a café for lunch. They had all stayed up all the previous night save for Pip who was dead for a couple of hours, so Kyle seemed to be crashing against Cartman's shoulder, and the fat boy didn't seem to be doing much better as his eyelids drooped and his slurpee dribbled down his chin from his mouth. Damien was not particularly tired though, so he found this appalling of energy to be a significant downer on his special day of the year.

Then a familiar voice came from across the room… but I won't kid you it was a surprising one.

"Kyle?!" it shouted. Kyle's eyes snapped open and Cartman choked on his slurpee.

"Stan?!" Kyle jerked his head around to see the bewildered blue hat wearing boy blinking at him "Stan! What the hell- you died?!" he seemed understandably alarmed.

"Uh, yeah I guess" Stan said approaching "Kenny was in the line of a truck and I kinda just… pushed him out of the way?"

"How cliché" Kyle observed.

Stan laughed "I imagine Kenny would agree" he sobered "Dude, you need to tell me- oh hi Cartman, Damien" he waved quickly "You need to tell me how to get back to Earth like Kenny does!"

"Okay calm down, it's okay dude" Kyle laughed. Cartman frowned a little as the Jewish boy placed a warm hand on Stan's shoulder "Hey Damien, can you maybe call a cab or something?"

Damien glared "He didn't say hi to Pip"

"Oh, that's Pip?" Stan said with a raised eyebrow "I thought he was another character actor. Well hi Pip."

"Oh, hello Stanley!" Pip smiled a bit.

"… yeah" Stan blinked "Well anyway, yeah, can I get a cab?"

"… I guess" Damien muttered "Are you going with him?" he asked Kyle.

"Oh, sure. Uh, I'll come back right after!" Kyle assured the evil boy. Cartman's face darkened.

"I'm going too" the fat boy said flatly and stood up sharply, chair scrapping the floor and causing a brief lapse in conversations around them as the Hellians tried and succeeded in identifying the offending sound.

Damien seemed to be mad that his party guests were leaving. Then he seemed to rediscover that Pip was sitting there and his eyes glinted a little as the others bid adieu and took off.

Pip didn't like the look of that glint.

"You know Pip…"

"Y-yes Damien?" Pip flushed as Damien grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

"There's a lot of storybook boat rides in Disneyland… a lot of them are pretty dark…"

"Oh, really?" Pip noticed the pitch of his voice seemed to have gone up a notch.

"I figure since we're alone anyway…" he grabbed Pip's hand once again, pulled him from his partially finished tea and out of the Disney café.

*****

By the time Kyle and Cartman returned in the taxi, Pip's face was very, very pink and he couldn't help but feel similar to how he would if he had been assaulted repeatedly.

Huh… I guess he had been assaulted repeatedly. But the feeling would be a tad mixed as Damien seemed to be dating him now, even if he still wasn't 100% sure he was even gay, let alone legitimately attracted to the Satan spawn.

Anyway, when Kyle and Cartman got back, they were in another fight. Nothing new obviously, but this time it actually seemed serious.

"SHUT UP KAHL! I SAW YOU!"

Kyle's face was beet red in rage "I TOLD YOU! IT MUST'VE BEEN THE ANGLE, I DID NOT NOR WOULD I EVER KISS STAN! HE'S WITH KENNY REMEMBER?!"

"WELL STAN KISSED YOU BEFORE!"

"ONLY TO PROVE TO ME THAT I LOVED _YOU_ ONLY I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE WHEN YOU ACT LIKE THIS!!"

"…what the fuck is it now?" Damien sighed as he released Pip's hand and approached the screaming couple outside of the Dumbo ride.

Kyle sent his glaring angry face Damien's way as he approached "Cartman thinks I kissed Stan! Can you fucking believe that?!"

"YES YOU DID! I SAW IT!" Cartman stamped his foot like the pissed child he is.

"Oh dear" Pip said to no effect whatsoever in his spot to one side of the commotion. Truly he had little to do with this issue, and was far more wrapped up in his own recent experiences in the many darkened boat paths that wind about Disneyland Hell.

But of course, by this point Damien was getting a bit bored off the rides so he told his small crew that they were going home. Cartman and Kyle were still fuming over whatever had gone down too. Not a fun car ride in the slightest. Plus it started raining fire so Damien couldn't open his window to spit on the suffering so his only means of keeping himself in good spirits was to touch Pip in various places and ways and observe his reactions. Pip did not really enjoy this exercise much. Especially with other people, you know, right next to them. But Cartman and Kyle seemed wrapped in their own inner rantings and were not paying attention.

Still though. Not very comfortable. Pip almost wished he could go back to being dangled over a pit of invisible rattlesnakes.

Almost.

Well obviously he wouldn't actually trade back to that, that was rather painful and however uncomfortable Damien's touches were they at least didn't send searing, burning razors through his skin. But it still wasn't a very nice feeling. Little did Pip know that Damien had more interesting things in mind for when they got home.

*****

"AH!" was Pip's appropriate reaction when the door to the bedroom was slammed shut and Damien immediately pulled down his pants and underwear. Pip also covered his eyes and looked away for good measure "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

"I took you on a date, now you have to suck me off!" Damien snapped, sounding a tad bit annoyed.

"WHAT?! SINCE WHEN?!" Pip screamed as pantsless Damien marched up to him and the Brit back away.

Damien scowled deeply "Since I'm the fucking prince of Hell! Now get on your knees!"

"NO!"

Damien's eyes widened at Pip's flat out refusal, but his face quickly darkened "Excuse me?"

"I'M NOT PREFORMING ORAL SEX ON YOU DAMIEN!" Pip shrieked in protest and ran to the other side of the bed.

Damien's eyes flashed, his cheeks lit up, and he seemed extremely unhappy with how the end of his date was going "WELL THEN YOU CAN SLEEP OUTSIDE UNTIL YOU DO!" he screamed, and proceeded to defenestrate the Brit.

((Joyful Note: For you uneducated children, to defenestrate someone means to throw them out a window, from the Latin word for window _, festra_. Or something close to that. Now you all learned a fun new word! Hooray! I'm all scholarly now ^^. … … … oh right the story))

"AAAAAH!!!!" was Pip's appropriate reaction to crashing through glass, flying through air and plummeting to earth. But he landed in Satan's daisy patch so he lived "…ow" he whimpered.

"WELL THEN FINE!" came a yell and a door slammed in the face of the young Jew nearby. The boy sucked in his cheeks and glanced towards the damaged British boy "Oh, hey Pip" he scowled "Cartman actually kicked me out of the mansion! As if Damien's going to let him do it permanently but STILL!"

"… I think my wrist's broken" Pip muttered softly and winced as he tried to move it.

"He is such a fat dick!"

"I think my ankle's sprained too" Pip groaned, trying to move that as well.

"YOU ARE SO IGNORANT!" came an angry, yet still semi-dreamy voice and Satan joined them in the yard.

"That asshole Micheal Jackson kicked me out! I can't believe this!" Satan snapped.

"Uh, isn't this your house though?" Kyle pointed out.

Satan paused "HEY YEAH!" he yelled, running back inside. A couple of seconds later MJ was thrown out on his ass.

"YOU'RE IGNORANT!" he cried and then threw a tantrum.

So the three jilted lovers sat outside Satan's mansion and Pip pondered whether it mightn't have been better if he had actually died in the fall from Damien's window. Then at least it wouldn't hurt so much. Anyway, with any luck Damien would get over the whole thing and then just let him back in like nothing had ever happened.

Oh wait… luck…

Erm, maybe Pip will defy all logic and reason this time?

_((Joyful Note: Okay, that's it for now. I know it's been a bit. Been trying my hand at making an abridged series on Youtube. I have 1 ep out, almost done the second, and it's Digimon. I'd say check it out, but I have to point out first it's nothing truly amazing, so I'll spare you the pain. Enjoy this instead! I was tired when I wrote it, it's nearly done anyway, probably a few more chaps… why do my stories always end up with less chapters then I originally estimate? Most people underestimate their chapters…))_


	12. Sitting Around Outside

**A Dip In Hell XII**

It had been 14 hours milling about in front of Satan's mansion. Kyle was starting to wonder if maybe Damien had decided to side with Cartman after all. Pip really would've left and tried to find somewhere else to hide out probably if his ankle wasn't twisted… and his wrist wasn't broken. So mostly he just sat in the daisies that caught him on the way down from the window, wincing every now and again. Luckily, being dead, none of them _really_ had to eat. They were mostly bored. Why Kyle actually contented to sit outside like that so long is truly beyond me to comprehend. I can only imagine he was hoping perhaps if he showed some stubborn persistence Cartman might realize he was not in any way trying to cheat on him with Stan.

And of course, Michael Jackson was putting together a major musical production/concert thing off to one side. On the one hand, free MJ performance. On the other hand, free MJ performance. But in life things usually take a point of view. Kyle would probably have better feelings towards Michael Jackson if he'd never met him on Earth and even had the misfortune of having the pop singer's spirit inhabit the body of his little brother and made the Canadian enter a little girl beauty pageant. Very traumatizing for most young males, but luckily Ike was a tough mental force to be reckoned with and he recovered easily enough once they took him out of therapy.

They were still sort of sitting out there when Kenny showed up for the day.

"Hey guys, what's this, the welcome wagon?" Kenny asked with a raised eyebrow at the sorry looking group, MJ hee heeing to one side.

"Hey Kenny" Kyle sighed and waved half heartedly "We got kicked out."

"Ouch, looks like it" Kenny nodded towards Pip in his battered condition "What'cha do?"

This question seemed to be directed at pip. It took him a second to realize this but once he did the Brit replied "Oh, Damien told me to erm… p-perform oral sex on him and I said no…"

"Is that all?" Kyle laughed "Dude, just suck him off, you aren't exactly built to deal with Hell. Better to have some kind of body guard"

"Oh" Pip said looking none too enthusiastic toward Kyle's solution.

"No! That's ignorant!" Michael decided to drop in on the conversation. He moonwalked up to Pip in the daisy patch and did some crotch thrusts as he went on in song " _You should never!( Jisshomony) Let your innocence! (Hee hee!) Be taken without your consent! (Youchachapeacha!) OOOH!"_

"Yeah like you're one to talk" Kyle muttered as MJ danced back to his makeshift stage.

Pip glanced at Kenny and the poor boy took this as a question of his opinion on the matter.

"Well if you ask me" Kenny said, cracking his knuckles absently "You should just go in there and act pathetic and stuff. If you're all helpless and feminine maybe he'll take pity on you or something"

"Erm, maybe" Pip said, not seeming convinced.

"So why're you kicked out?" Kenny asked Kyle now.

"Oh, it's stupid" Kyle shook his head "Cartman thinks I'm cheating on him with Stan"

Kenny's jaw dropped inside his snowsuit. No one could see that, but they did see his eyes go wide, then angry.

"WHAT?! MY STAN?!"

Kyle blinked and backed up a step "Dude, I didn't ACTUALLY cheat on him with Stan, he just THINKS I did but-"

"WHY THE HELL WOULD HE THINK THAT UNLESS-!"

Kyle growled a little "Look. I was just saying bye to Stan before he went to Earth and Stan whispered in my ear that Cartman kept glaring at him and it was weird. I guess from that angle Cartman saw it sort of looking like we kissed, but as IF we would do that in front of him- not that we would at all! I mean seriously!"

Kenny seemed to chew his lip for a moment "Well... okay. Cartman… will probably get over it" then he sent a glare that even the son of Satan his Damienness himself might have had to step back from "And you'd _better_ not try to take my Stan, or you will be fucking ENDED. You got it?!"

Kyle was rather horrified.

The Cartman came rushing out, apparently having overheard this someway or other.

"You are absolutely right Kenneh! Cause I'd be fucking helping! You got that Jew?!" he snapped, stamping his foot.

Kyle's jaw dropped "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?!" then Cartman glomped him and kissed him deeply. Pip saw fit to glance away and flush a little.

"I forgive you" the fat boy said finally. Kyle gave him an exasperated look.

"I didn't kiss Stan R-tard!"

"Look, I said I forgive you man, just let it go" Cartman said with his 'innocent' look.

Kyle gave Cartman an 'I-can't-believe-you're-seriouslah' look. But, the odds of Cartman admitting he was wrong or apologizing were practically non-existent and Kyle was the smartest boy in his class. He knew that. So he sighed, rolled his eyes and the two went back inside. Followed by Kenny. Woo hoo.

So now Pip was stuck outside with no company but an insane plastic-deformed pop star. Tragic. But, what do you do right? At least it was something…

And then, of course, a band of crazed MJ fans stormed the stage and Michael was forced to go on a spontaneous jogging exercise. Fun times. And really, as Pip would later assume, he likely ended up going to Celebrity Hell or something to avoid this mob scene in the future.

And maybe occasionally he'd go out in disguise among the hellish masses. You never knew with MJ.

Anyway, that's how Pip ended up alone in front of Damien's house.

*****

Meanwhile inside, Kyle and Cartman were celebrating their bout of forgiveness with a little action. Action that Damien saw no problems with walking in on with a scowl across his face.

"Pah, DAMIEN?!" Kyle gasped, jumping back from Cartman as the door burst open and the evil boy stalked inside.

"OKAY!" Damien screamed and marched over to Cartman, who seemed rather terrified with this sudden display of hostility towards him "How the HELL is it that you and Kyle can fight like fucking CRAZY and STILL end up naked and jacking each other but I can't get that limey pansy to even strip in front of me?!"

"H-how should I know dude?!" Cartman gasped and scooted back from the steamed black haired child of Hell "M-maybe he's not a fag?"

Damien looked ready to smack him "I KNOW HE DOESN'T RIDE A HARLEY YOU IDIOT!"

Cartman blinked "Oh, oh yeah. No, I mean he's not gay. Or maybe, I don't know! Fuck!"

"Damien, seriously, Pip's just hurt out there" Kyle said trying to calm him down a bit before Cartman was sent to the new arrivals "He couldn't come back to beg even if he wanted to-"

Damien blinked "Hurt… I thought he died?"

"No, he landed in your dad's daisy patch. He broken his wrist and ankle or something I think" Kyle shrugged "Anyway, yeah, so he can't exactly get up right now."

Kenny sauntered into the room at this point. He observed Cartman and Kyle naked non challantly and then looked at seething Damien "Hey calm down dude, I told Pip to ask like a pussy around you to appeal to your 'sensitive' side and Kyle told him to just give in. Between those pieces of advice he'll likely become a pushover for your perverse desires so don't worry about it"

Damien glanced at the other boys uncertainly for a moment, then scowled in apparent thought and left the room without saying anything. Kenny shrugged and grinned at his two best friends.

"So, having fun guys?"

"GET OUT KENNY!" came the simultaneous reply.

"GEEZ! Fine! I know when I'm not wanted! Goddamn!" Kenny snapped and marched out. Kyle and Cartman sighed and looked at each other, wondering why they couldn't seem to share a private moment these days.

*****

Just to note, Pip found his legs were falling asleep fast and his nose was itchy but he couldn't bring himself to move and scratch it. It was very uncomfortable. In case you care about Pip for some reason unfathomable to most of South Park Elementary.

*****

Damien kicked at the scorpion that lived under his bed most of the time and went to look out the window. Sure enough, Pip was indeed lying in the daisy patch, looking very uncomfortable.

"Stupid British asshole" Damien glared down at him and looked away. A couple seconds later he looked back though. He imagined going down there and picking him up, bring him to his room and healing his broken parts. Then Pip would probably look down at the floor and mumble something about being shy but would finally suck him off and-

And did he seriously just want the idiot to succumb like that? To just, just do whatever he wanted with no argument?

Surely… surely that should be a yes answer right?

"Damn" Damien muttered and clenched his fists. Yeah, that was the right answer, but unfortunately he was going to have to admit to himself he rather liked Pip when he was angry. Another pushover bowing to his whim would probably get boring really fast.

He mulled this over a few more minutes though before giving into his abject need to have something that would respond interestingly when provoked and going down to get Pip out of the daisies.

*****

Pip, so you're aware, did manage to get up the energy to scratch his nose. Also, in case you want to know, he had thought long and hard of the advice he'd received from Kyle, Kenny and MJ and had yet to come to any kind of conclusion. Probably for the best as Damien had already come to one for him and he'd likely be unhappy if Pip chose a solution different than his own.

So at last Damien opened the front door and yelled out at Pip "So are you alive or what?"

"Well since I haven't disappeared, I assume I'm still alive." Pip snapped, apparently a tad irritable about the whole getting thrown out a window thing. I mean, maybe he thought it over for a while but seeing the bane of his death filled existence in person was bound to bring back out any tension he had quelled for 14+ hours.

Damien rolled his eyes and walked over to the fallen Brit "So where're the breaks?"

Pip shifted, winced, and sighed "Wrist and ankle"

"Right" Damien nodded.

"Left actually. I landed on that side"

"Oh" Damien frowned and then moved his hands onto Pip's wrist and muttered something. It glowed and Pip felt his bone knit. Then he moved to the ankle. Once that was fixed up Pip and Damien made eye contact again.

"So, um, thank you Damien" Pip said frowning a little and shifting his eyes away.

"Why won't you suck me off?"

Pip froze at the blunt question, but then looked rather angry "WHY?! How can you ask that? I don't know if I'm actually gay for one thing!"

Damien glared "Well if you're not gay you're a fucking cock tease! Why the hell did you let me kiss you and take you out and dress you in girl clothes and all that shit if you're not gay!?"

Pip stared for a moment and then blushed a little "W-well, I suppose I didn't really feel like getting tortured anymore!"

"It's called HELL asshole! And you're getting off REALLY fucking easy!" Damien glared "What, so you were using me to get a better deal or something?!"

Pip gaped a second "NO! No of course not! I wouldn't use you!"

Damien groaned and sighed "Of course not. I could tell if you were trying something that stupid."

Pip chewed his lip "Well… well even if I'm gay, maybe, but, I still don't know, I m-mean, well, I don't even know HOW to give a blow job, I-"

Damien's eyes widened "Oh, well DUH!" he slapped his forehead as if that statement had explained everything "Okay I can fix THAT!" he grabbed Pip's newly healed wrist and dragged him off the ground and towards the mansion.

"But DAMIEN! NO!" Pip tried to protest. Really he did. But sadly this didn't exactly work out as Damien was muttering to himself and thinking again and he was hard to grab the attention of in this state.

Back up in Damien's room, Pip was made to sit on the bed while Damien went to get something. Pip wasn't sure how this would bode for him. Then Damien returned, laden with the most astounding array of yaoi and gay mags Pip had ever seen before.

Not that he'd ever seen many, but I think this collection would probably make post-closet pre-gender change Garrison green with envy. Damien took 3 trips which Pip could only gawk at.

"Okay" Damien said finally, sweating a little a breathing hard "So we'll go through these and I'm sure they'll have tips for this and-"

"DAMIEN! This, this so isn't the point!" Pip gasped finally "If you really want to do something like this it doesn't matter if you know how, you'll try until you get it right, I just don't feel comfortable because you might've been nine so long that you feel mature enough to have sexual relations, and maybe Cartman and Kyle have some weird need to touch each other in any way possible, but I'm not ready nor do I have their psychosis! I'm just a little nine year old boy from England and I cannot possibly feel right about something like that!"

Damien blinked and stared, then scowled "And you couldn't have said that BEFORE I brought all these in here?!" he asked, gesturing pissedly at the stacks of… of… literature… around them.

"Well I'm sorry!" Pip snapped, then sighed "Look, obviously I have problems, I mean, I'm not going age from now on, but-"

Damien looked startled "Oh hey, I just got an idea!"

"… did you?" Pip said looking wary of this.

"What if I went back to Earth and took you with me? We could get you a life extension too, and then when we're like, I don't know, sixteen or something we can go back to hell and fuck each other all we want!" he looked exalted.

Pip's mouth dropped open a little. He could, go back to Earth? He supposed being with Damien during that time would be prerequisite, but… to go back? See the sun again, no hellfire for a while? Not to mention put off sucking on Damien's ballsack for a couple years?

"That… that sounds like a great idea! Superb!" Pip said excitedly and leapt forward, hugging Damien around the neck. He froze now… weird for him. He didn't think Pip had shown any initiative in this relationship before. Now he was hugging him. It was bound to be distressing on some level.

"Hey, uh, we, we can't go right now though. I'll try to attach it to Cartman and Kyle's life extension request but usually it takes a few months…" Damien said uncomfortably.

"Well, yes I suppose but, well" Pip sighed contentedly and drew back. Then he smiled "Thank you!" he then actually KISSED the kid. Of his OWN FREE WILL. Le GASP.

Damien was shocked as well of course, but then seemed to decide this was really something he should want and kissed back, returning Pip's earlier hug with one of his own.

And then Satan walked in. He looked depressed. Apparently he'd learned MJ had gone to Celebrity Hell and was not interested in having another orgy with the red Lord of Hell. A shame. He saw his son kissing Pip and that really didn't help him as far as making him feel better.

So he decided to go see God about his love problems. He usually had good advice.

_((Joyful Note: I don't know how anyone will feel about this, but next part will be the last. 13 parts… a Hell fic. Oh well. That's that then. I need to move onto my Stenny Story anyway that'll dovetail this one pretty much. And so you know, I was originally just going to leave Pip and Damien in hell when Cartman and Kyle came up, but I decided I want to use them in later fanfics in this series SO… enjoy the last chapter when it comes!))_


	13. Hang On, THIS is the End?

**A Dip In Hell XIII**

God sighed and looked at Satan with half lowered eyelids "So Michael Jackson dumped you, and now you're jealous of your son's new romance?"

"Yeah, so, what should I do?" Satan asked the hippo-cat-lizard bodied omnipotent being.

God blinked and groaned "Satan, what did I tell you about not becoming dependant on relationships? Be comfortable on your own, and just be happy for your son."

"I guess" Satan shuffled his feet.

God raised an eyebrow "Since you're up here anyway, was there anything you wanted to ask Me?"

Satan cocked his head to one side "Like what?"

"Oh for the love of Me" God smacked his forehead "Something involving the guests of your son? Young Eric Cartman and Kyle Broflovski?"

Satan stared for a moment, then seemed to recall the two "Oh yeah! Can you maybe give them life extensions? I mean, you gave one to their friend Kenny, and they were kinda just nine and they really got screwed over…"

"Yeah I could probably arrange that" God nodded "They're needed on Earth anyway. Kyle has to cure the common cold and Eric has to find the Lock Ness Monster and talk the Earth out of another crab people invasion. I was probably going to end up reincarnating them if they refused to go back so this is much easier."

"Okay great" Satan grinned "Thanks God!"

"No problem. See you at the Apocalypse" God waved and Satan disappeared back to the underworld.

*****

Damien and Pip had found their way back onto Damien's bed. They were making out. Pip had decided he could stand this much, as long as Damien wasn't letting his hands roam where they shouldn't and for some reason Damien had accepted this compromise.

In fact, they took a good 5 minutes to realize Kenny had wandered into the room, seen the action, and called in a camera crew.

When they did notice, Kenny had vamoosed. So it was the cameramen that suffered the brunt of Damien's rage and had to hobble away as turtles.

"Oh dear" Pip muttered and looked pleadingly at Damien "That seemed a little harsh, don't you think? I mean, turtles?"

Damien shrugged "They could've got worse"

"I suppose" Pip sighed. As if making out with Damien would give him any influence whatsoever. Oh well.

There was a knock on the door.

"Yeah?" Damien called from the bed, not bothering to unwind his arms from around Pip's waist, to the Brit's embarrassment as Cartman and Kyle entered with grins.

This was new. Usually they didn't look happy at the same time. Especially not this happy at the same time. It was almost freakish. Domo probably killed a kitten somewhere to compensate for it.

"Damien! Guess what!!" Kyle said brightly and Damien raised a curious eyebrow.

"What?" he asked.

Cartman answered "Your Dad got God to sign our extensions early, we can go back to Earth tomorrow afternoon at quarter after three!"

Damien blinked, and frowned a little "Oh"

Kyle's smile faded "Well… I guess we're kinda leaving you huh? But, uh, it's not like we won't see you again someday…"

"And aren't we going up to earth soon too Damien?" Pip interjected quickly, as if it wasn't true until someone else heard about it.

"Uh, I have to ask my Dad actually but… I guess" Damien shrugged and let go of Pip, sitting up "But I think it'll take longer for Pip because I really have no clue how he could possibly be needed on Earth."

Pip wasn't sure how he felt about that statement. But Damien seemed to want him in Hell, so perhaps he thought he was more needed here? Oh well.

Damien grinned suddenly "Well if this is your last day in hell for a while, we should do something seriously awesome!"

"Totally!" Cartman grinned "Let's check out celebrity Hell!"

Damien gave a deadpan sort of look "Even I am not allowed to go to Celebrity Hell. It's for celebrities and the infamous only. I'm not well known enough to get in. My Dad can go though. Everyone else gets their soul vaporized on the way in."

Kyle raised an eyebrow "How do they check how famous you are?"

"Um, I'm not sure exactly. I think at least 3 countries have to know who you are in decent numbers to get into the celebrity slums and it goes up from there" Damien said after a moment's thought "Anyway, I already know where we should go."

"Well… where then?" Cartman asked looking a little irritated for some reason. Probably because Damien was lounging about on his bed and he had to stand. Laziness, the virtue of today's youth.

Damien smirked "I was thinking we could go to Casa Bonita."

Cartman's eyes went wide. A grin broke over his face.

Kyle's eyes also went wide, but not as happily "Oh no, no no NO!"

"YES! CASA BONITA! CASA BONITA! FOOD FUN AND A FESTIVE ATMOSPHERE!" Cartman danced around and sang.

"Wow, Eric seems very excited about this." Pip observed, straightening his ripped Jasmine pant… things. He'd really have to change those. And there was yet another Disney outfit wrecked. That was Belle, Cinderella and Jasmine now. What a downer. Ah well.

"Yeah, of course he's excited. He loves Casa Bonita enough to trick Butters into a bomb shelter and not tell anyone where he was so he could take his place at my birthday party!" Kyle snapped.

Cartman stopped dancing and looked a Kyle with hints of an approaching glare.

"Kahl. That was MONTHS ago. And look, you really should've invited me to your birthday party in the first place. I just took measures to make sure I got what I was entitled to!"

"Oh dear" Pip muttered, sensing an approaching screaming and reached for Damien's pillow in hopes of muffling it.

But Damien was not about to waste the last day in Hell he'd have at age 9 with Kyle and Cartman and so he stepped in "I said we're going to Casa Bonita so THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GOING. End of story. Now come on" He hopped off the bed and the other three followed. Pip curious, Cartman ecstatic and Kyle still near fuming point.

Yes, this does seem fun doesn't it? I thought so.

*****

A quick hearse ride later, the group was at the Mexican restaurant. It was of course Hell version, so a bit darker, more screams in the pirate cave and cliff divers were drowning victims going through their daily torture. Still, there was a mariachi band and the food was good if more spicy than on earth. So it was still an acceptable place to go on a Friday Night in hell.

Pip, of course, had never been to the earthy Casa Bonita, nor had he really gone to any decent restaurant. So this was very new. And Damien had put him into a traditional Mexican dress. He thought he looked like a chorus girl through.

This would prove to be disastrous, but not just yet.

When they entered, Cartman's first task was to jam as many tacos down his throat as possible to the mixture of impressed stares and looks of disgust from his friends and people around him. Kyle looked a the most disturbed. It seemed that ever since Cartman's ultra fast run around Casa Bonita on the Jew's birthday Kyle had lost his liking for the place. It was as if Cartman's selfish indulgence had completely sullied the place.

Pip of course didn't even really know much about this. He was mostly concerned about how people going into Black Bart's cave were coming out covered in blood and brains… occasionally their own. This didn't stop Cartman's enthusiasm for it though.

"Oh yeah! I bet they torture people in there! Can we go watch right now? I think we should watch now! And then we can dance with the mariachi band, and then watch the cliff divers, and, and then get our pictures taken in old west clothes-"

"Oof" Kyle groaned, putting his head down on the table. He hadn't touched his fajitas.

"And then we can get more tacos, and then we can see the puppet show and, oh hey Daaaaamien, do you think you could get us able to try cliff diving? That'd be SO bad ass!"

"I dunno, I guess" Damien shrugged, not seeming very interested in that. He seemed to have noticed Pip's apprehensiveness about the pirate cave.

So obviously he had to force him through it now.

*

So about 10 seconds after entering the cave, Pip went screaming out. Damien had entered with his arm around him, but the moment they go close to a guy getting his eyeballs plucked out with tweezers Damien had seen fit to let go and push him towards the scary looking demons doing the torturing. Pip screamed as they reached for him and displayed the fastest running he had ever done.

He left the cave and actually ended up on the mariachi stage without realizing he had even gone in that direction. And here was where the disaster began as a line of mexican dancing girls mistook him as one of them and engaged him in a dance. That turned out to go badly and shortly after Pip was getting booed and had mexican food thrown at his person.

Then he jumped off the stage and tried to make a run for it. He was chased by a bunch of crazy Hellians and crashed into the puppet show, sending dead children also screaming after him…

Pip has a lot of problems making friends, doesn't he?

Anyway, Pip had gained skill in moving in a skirt and heels so he distangled himself from each probl;em as he encountered them and hurried on until he seemed to have the whole resturant on his tail.

Seriously. What the hell was with this British kid and having people try to kill him? It's like some sort of reluctant hobby…

At this time, in case you were wondering, Cartman had forced Kyle into submission and they were making out in a dark corner of Black Bart's Cave. For the moment anyway they were distracted and Damien decided to look for Pip. Luckily he knew enough to follow the trail of mob-like distruction and low and behold this was just the path to his beloved Barbie doll.

When he did however catch up to Pip, the boy was being held by one beefy looking man as a bunch of old ladies whom he had accidently spilled chili on hit him with their umbrellas and canes.

"Pesky brat!" one old brod sneered and weilded a lime green parasol.

"This'll teach you some manners!" cackled another in a frilly bonnet.

Damien smirked a little at the clearly humourous scene before stepping in "Okay, put him down"

The old ladies turned to glare at Damien.

"And who're you to tell us what to do young'un? This girl… boy… child, yeah that'll do. Yes, this child has stained my best dinner dress!" snapped the lady with the green parasol.

Damien glared "I'm the prince of Hell bitch! Now tell Goliath over there to put Pip down. If he wants revenge on David he might do well to remember he went to _heaven_. Duh"

"Goliath SMASH!" the bulk man yelled and the old ladies resumed beatings.

"I SAID PUT HIM DOWN!" Damien yelled and his cheek burned with rage. A flash in his eyes… but to his surprise nothing happened "Wh-what the hell?"

A Mexican walked by and explained "Casa Bonita lies on the edge of Hell City territory. Your father has power over all of Hell, but your powers are limited on Earth and non-existant outside Hell City's boundaries"

Damien's jaw dropped "WHAT?! I NEVER HEARD THAT!!!"

"New policy" the Mexican shrugged "Only since last time when you pillaged an outer city village and took their Playstation since you were grounded from yours. I think… 20 years ago now?"

"OH shit, yeah" Damien now remembered vaguely his Dad yelling but the Playstation had been turned up kind of loud… something about a revolt… oh well. This did complicate matters a titch.

"D-Damien!" Pip moaned as the old ladies were continuing to disfigure him.

"Shit" Damien muttered again and decided to do something rash. He leapt upon the nearest lady and tried to tackle them back from the beaten Brit. Reasoning with them simply didn't occur to him. And sadly they then turned on him. Damien wasn`t used to getting the crap kicked out of him, especially by brutal old ladies who live in Hell and spend nights at Mexican resturants. Plus Goliath. Yes, this was actually painful.

And… Damien started crying? Holy crap.

"Let me goooo…." He wailed. A raspy, squeaky sound. Weird. And freakish. And when Pip heard it, he discovered a strange well of strength inside his deeply rooted **British** heart. He was, after all, a gentlman. And gentleman was just that, a gentle man. Unless he was righteously pissed off.

And as he was pissed off that someone was beating up someone else, something he'd never experienced before, this counted as righteous.

And Pip's dodgeball skills went to work.

A twist in his body, eyes wide and wild he shook loose of a distracted Goliath. He launched himself at the salad bar and various vegitables were flung at the group, slaughtering through the them, blood and tomato juice everywhere! THE CARNAGE!

"AAAAAH!!!!" Pip screamed and once they were down he launched himself again, this time at their still twitching bodies and took the green parasol, using it to skewer the living through their hearts. Leaving them in a heap, he dropped his weapon and turned to Damien, eyes still seeing red for a moment.

For the very first time, Damien found himself actually afraid of Pip. And for the first time, Pip saw someone afraid of him. This shock was enough to break his British Rage and allowed him to calm his facial features. Then he could look at his handiwork with a clear head and quickly grew quite horrified.

"Oh my goodness! What did I DO?!" he gasped and started whirling and looking around in absolute alarm.

Damien stared a moment, then seemed to collect himself and went over to the bloody blond Brit. He put his hands on his shoulders and looked very serious.

"If anybody asks, I saved you."

Pip blinked, flushed a bit, and nodded with minimal eye contact.

Damien sighed "That said… thanks" he said grudgingly "Even if it was sort of your fault in the first place…"

"CARTMAN YOU ASSHOLE!"

"And we're back to normal" Damien snorted and took Pip's hand as the odd couple caught up.

"WHAT DID I DO NOW?! UPTIGHT JEW!"

"WELL- holy shit what happened here?" Kyle blinked, totally losing his train of thought at the gore.

"Uh, some old ladies were beating up Pip so I sort of killed them" Damien said quickly "Right Pip?"

"Oh, erm, yes. That is definitely what happened" Pip laughed a bit and looked away.

"… damn! I wish I'd seen that" Cartman sighed.

"Yeah well… let's get out of here then" Damien said gruffly. Cartman scoffed.

"No way! We've barely done anything yet, we didn't even see the cliff divers!"

Damien glared and his eyes falshed but naturally nothing could happen here. But he didn't want the fat ass knowing that "Well… fine" he finally resigned with a sigh.

"Sweet" Cartman grinned "Ooh, ooh, can we dive off too? That would be SO badass!"

"Uh yeah, sure I guess" Damien shrugged and the four headed for the cliff divers, Pip carefully avoiding stepping on dead fingertips.

*****

The show was pretty cool for Cartman and Damien. Kyle and Pip didn't find screaming children and such being tied to anchors and tossed over a 50ft cliff. But Cartman couldn't seem to wait to give it a try- minus the anchor of course.

"This is really stupid Cartman" Kyle said bluntly as Cartman began to ascend the escaltor to the top of the cliff.

"You're just jealous cause Jews can't cliffdive!" Cartman laughed. Kyle started to protest, but then just rolled his eyes. It was a pointless argument as he had no intentions of trying to prove him wrong.

Needless to say, Cartman cannonballed and the splash carried 20 people out the front doors, though not Kyle, Damiena dn Pip as they had the good sense to get up high and hang on to something. Luckily Damien was able to get Cartman to leave after that, as a new mob was being formed and Damien obviously couldn't put them off and Pip's newly discovered British Rage could not be really counted on in a pinch.

So the group headed back to the mansion for one last night.

*****

Satan catered an awesome slumber party atmosphere in the living room. They'd built a fort out of couch cushions from the replacement for the couch monster and fluffy blankets.

…what? Of course the Prince of Hell makes pillow forts! He knows what's cool. For the record, he likes dinosaurs too.

Sitting inside the fort with a plate of chocolate chip cookies, not unlike those Damien had shared with Kyle on their first day in Hell, the four boys played a game of Scrabble. I would love to tell you something interesting about this Scrabble game, but really, it was justa Scrabble game. This is probably why they quickly changed the game when Damien got bored to something more interesting… truth or dare to be specific.

Damien went first.

"Pip, truth or dare" he smirked.

Pip knew better than to say dare "Truth"

"Suck my balls"

"I said truth Damien!"

Damien rolled his eyes "I know that, I was saying that cause it pissed me off. Anyways, lemme see…" he closed his eyes in thought for a moment "Erm… okay I got one" he opened his eyes "Do you actually hate being in a dresses?"

Pip was caught offguard by this question "Oh, um… well" he adjusted his skirt self-conciously "I-I guess I don't _hate_ it… but I can't say I love it either. I guess it's sort of… neutral?"

Damien gave an exaspirated look "I guess I should expect as much from you…"

"O-okay…" Pip glanced at Kyle "Truth or dare?" he asked him timidly.

"Um…" he didn't figure Pip would pick a hard one "Dare"

Pip bit his lip "Um. Um, I dare you to, erm, s-sing Bohemian Rhapsody!"

"Awe come on that's easy!" Cartman snapped "Make him do something like show us his Jew Gold!"

Kyle gaped "Cartman you asshole!" he looked at Pip "I'll sing it" he took a deep breath, paused, then smirked " _I'm sailing a-"_

Cartman sputtered and turned red "Th-that's not… Rhapsody- you- urg- Jew- FUCK! _WAY!,freetofacethelifethat``macaptainsoclimbabraodwe``lltryohlordI`lltrytocarryon!!``_ he was breathing hard "ASSHOLE SING YOUR OWN SONG!"

Kyle seem to ponder that, then " _I'm sailing a-"_ andthen started his own. This was bound to clash horribly.

Cartman grunted _"WAY!"_

" _Is this the real life, is this just fantasy"_

" _Set an open course for the virgin sea"_

" _Caught in a landslide"_

" _Cause I've got to be free"_

" _No escape from reality"_

" _Free to face the life that's ahead of me"_

" _Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see"_

" _On board I'm a captain, so climb aboard!"_

" _I'm just a poor boy"_

" _We'll search for tomorrow"_

" _I need no sympathy"_

" _On every shore!"_

" _Because its-"_

" _And I'll-"_

"OKAY OKAY ENOUGH!" Damien couldn't take any more of that horror it seemed so Cartman blasted through the rest of Come Sail Away at rapid speed under his breath before glaring at Kyle angrily.

"You know what? Screw truth or dare" Cartman snapped "It's a stupid kids game. We should play Lambs!"

Kyle rolled his eyes "And next thing you'll want to have a tea party"

"AY! SCREW YOU ASSHOLE!"

Slap fight.

"Oh brother" Pip sighed and then noticed Damien tugging his arm. He followed him out of the fort in dread mixed with confusion.

"SO yeah, they're leaving tomorrow" Damien said after they'd walked a short ways across the living room.

"Yessss…." Pip said slowly, wondering where Damien was going with this.

"So when did you want to get back up there?" he asked after a moment.

"Oh!" Pip blinked "Well, erm, I'm not in a rush, but before the end of the school year mgiht be nice. I don't know, just… soon I guess but really, whenever is convenient for you"

Damien sighed "I guess, yeah" he seemed a little depressed. That was… strange. He drew Pip toward him, kissed his lips softly and led him back to the fort.

*****

At last the two couples retired to their room. Pip lay beside Damien in bed, at least reletively comfortable with this arrangement now thank goodness. He believed he'd be dealing with it for quite a while.

"Hey Pip?" Damien muttered, barely heard over the hissed and growling of his invisible animal security system.

"Damien?" Pip replied sleepily.

"Um… are you sure you want to go back soon?"

"Well… if it's no trouble-"

"Well I just- I'm not sure… I want to quite being nine yet. I mean, other then sex puberty looks like it sucks" Pip thought it sounded as if Damien was grimacing.

"Well, you have to go through with it sometime" Pip said reasonably.

"I guess" Damien shrugged "Still sucks though." He turned to face Pip and the Brit could just make out a smirk on his lips "I guess it'll be better going through it with you though"

Pip, to his surprise, found his face growing hotter and heart beating faster then any time Dmaien had kissed him. Maybe it was because, somehow or other, this was the absolute sweetest thing Damien had said to him. It was out of character, violently wrong and liable to cause diabetes and extreme vomiting in readers, but none the less, extremely sweet for him. Scary.

"Oh, um, well, yes…" Pip said trying to find somewhere else to look. Unsure what else to do he said perkily "Well goodnight Damien!" and quickly turned to face away from Damien, sweating and having no clue how to deal with the Satanic boy's sudden affectionate statement. He felt Damien's breath on the back of his head and then arms snake around his waist. They pulled him flush with Damien's stomach and felt Damien's face brush against his hair.

"You're such a stupid limey" Damien muttered and fell asleep with the insult on his lips. Pip sighed. He supposed this was to be expected as he too fell into slumber. The next day, Cartman and Kyle would fight, make up, fight, make up, and then go home. Lots of drama and high emotions, but none I would care to depict though.

So instead, content yourselves with this- they could always come back in a sequel. It's a good thing.

**THE END**

_((Joyful Note: Okay hi. Yes, they will return in a sequel fic, but not as ,main pairing. Next in my lineup is my Stenny fic, but they might return partway through my Candy, but if not then, definitely when I do my 'Revenge of the Europeans' fic a few down the road from now, so stay tuned! Love you guys and your comments, sorry if you didn't like the ending but you'll have to deal with it! Bye!))_


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